Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, or why Chinese kids are smarter

I do think it's good to push kids in certain things -- like taking piano lessons.

Even if they hate it, at least they learn how to read music and it's maybe a couple hours a week.

 

I will never understand the obsession many parents have with music -- Asian parents in particular. I've read the studies on the connection between music and learning in general. So, yes, learning music is great. I learned how to play an instrument at a fairly high level, but honestly I only spent a few hours a week on it outside of school.

All those hours a day of obsessive practicing...why not have your kid study economic theory, or biology, or something more monetarily rewarding? If you're really trying to build the perfect robot, why waste so much time on something that is fundamentally a whimsical pursuit? The depth of irony in trying to make an automaton the best of the best in a field where passion and creative spirit make the difference is just too rich. I grew up with a handful of people who went on to be or still are professional musicians, and most of them were the ones who maybe were a little eccentric in their methods or their habits but just had a passion for what they were doing. A great musician isn't always someone who practices three hours every day. A great musician is often someone who might not practice at all one day, then might spend all night working on something the next day because they feel like it.

I believe in structure as a parent, but I also believe if you don't leave some room for creativity and exploration, how is your kid ever going to learn to make their own decisions?

 

Also, it's worth noting that Chua's husband is white.

What does it say about Chua that the methodology she so rigidly adheres to comes from a culture that she eschewed in choosing her husband?

I'm sure as hell not saying people shouldn't be with who they want to be with, but isn't the cultural theme of the Tiger Mother undermined just a little bit when, you know, the other half of the parental duo didn't know a darn thing about Tiger Parenting until he met the author?

I guess it was okay for her to depart in that significant manner from the restrictions and preferences of her upbringing and culture, but not okay for her daughters to benefit from it or enjoy a similar freedom or choice -- until, of course, they flee from their overbearing mother into the arms of a partner who allows them more freedom.

 

The eternal theme of parenting: Do as I say, not as I do.

 

I haven't gotten a chance to read it yet (too busy parenting!) ;D... But a lot of my mom friends are talking about it.

Can someone tell me why she doesn't allow play dates?

I would think social skills are necessary, even if you're only going to be a concert-level pianist. You still have to have enough social skills not to completely alienate those who put you in that position.

Without the social skills, isn't there a danger of becoming a Jared Lee Loughner? Then you've defeated the purpose entirely?

What's the thinking there?

 

I think a lot of those rules come down to establishing control for the sake of being in control, and not ever letting a child play means not letting that child know what she is missing. But I'm sure she would explain that a playdate necessarily detracts from how good her child can be because it's practice or study time wasted. The philosophy overall puts no thought into socialization or individuality as you describe it, because that isn't considered a necessary life skill. Messed up in my opinion, but that's the idea.

 

For my relative, it's a control thing mostly, but also no playdates means less of the "bad" influence of friends and their parents.

 

Wow. She's nuts.

I agree with SoCal's take on the music thing. It's nice, but not worth all the time & effort they put into it.

I've dated several Asian women. (Korean & Taiwanese.) The pressure they face from their parents is intense.

All of them were smart, but their relationships with their mothers are very odd to me. Their parents never treat them like adults, no matter their age. And there's still pressure to please their parents.

Their conversations are never about the week's activities, their friends, or benign things like the weather.

It's always a lecture of some sort -- or an interrogation.

I'll have a quick call with my parents a time or two a week to catch up and see what's going on.

My girlfriend talks to her mother several times a week and gets yelled at each time. She's always upset by the time she gets off the phone.

And, the girls I've dated -- along with their siblings -- tend to not have many friends outside of their family.

Like just about everything else in life, there's got to be a middle ground that would work.

 

Exactly. Confucian parenting like Chua's will get you one hell of a test-taker, but it does little to nurture the kind of critical, audacious thinking that actually moves the world forward. Questioning authority is bad for harmony, after all.

 

American kids are pussies. They could stand a little pressure now and then. God forbid they should play in a soccer league that keeps score, or have a gym class where they allow dodgeball or play Little League and not get a trophy because they went 0-for-the season.

 

To be fair, are these things really THAT widespread? There still aren't any of these in my area; kids still play soccer with scoring, dodgeball and not everyone gets a trophy (well, once you get past age seven or eight). I think sometimes our collective memories are too influenced by things still vastly in the minority, but maybe I am off on this.

 

You are right. A few outrageous examples stick out in our minds.