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Basketball gamer, any feedback welcome

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by Millionaire, Mar 8, 2008.

  1. Millionaire

    Millionaire New Member

    In the final moment, Podunk guard Bob Jones pleaded for a foul in vain. His teammate Bill Johnson rolled his eyes as if trapped in a nightmare.

    But this wasn't a bad dream.

    It was as real as the blank stare emanating from the eyes of Cougars head coach Tom Jenkins in the post-game press conference.

    Dinkville forward Rex Thomas scored 33 points Friday night, but it was his final jumper, a three-pointer with 15 seconds left, that shocked Podunk. The shot lifted the Lions to a stunning 81-80 upset over the host Cougars in the opening round of the blah blah tournament.

    “It was pretty much straight on, my favorite shot, top of the key,” Thomas said. “Coach called timeout, and he said, ‘No matter what happens, if they miss, run a 4-low for [Thomas], and just stroke it.’”

    The Cougars had a chance to answer, but Jones lost control of the ball after failing to draw a foul. Johnson alertly grabbed it and launched a three in the waning seconds, but the shot rattled out, and the Cougars season was over.

    “I was right under the rim waiting for a rebound, and it looked like it was going to drop,” Thomas said. “My heart almost sank, but it rimmed out. That was just amazing.”

    As the Lions and their fans rejoiced on the midcourt Cougars logo, Podunk was left to comprehend a missed opportunity.

    “We worked hard all year,” Jones said. “It’s a great group of guys we have and a great coaching staff. You’ve got to give credit to Dinkville. They played hard.”

    Jones put on a shooting clinic, hitting seven threes en route to a team-high 24 points. Junior guard Tommy Gunn added 15 points and nine rebounds.

    The Cougars had a 12-point lead in the second half, but the Lions remained resilient. Thomas proved to be the biggest factor in the comeback, scoring 20 of his points after halftime.

    “Clearly we didn’t have an answer for Thomas,” Jenkins said. “I didn’t think we did a very good job on the perimeter … In the post, when he caught it, we wanted to bring help and double-down, which we didn’t do a very good job of. I just didn’t feel like, defensively, we implemented our game plan very well.”

    In Saturday’s regional final at the Blah Gymnasium, the Lions fell to Springfield, who advanced to this weekend’s blah.

    Meanwhile, Podunk has an offseason to ponder what might have been.

    “This is not the way you want to go out,” Jones said. “Yes, it does hurt. I didn’t wake up this morning expecting this.”

    Sometimes, you wake up before you want the dream to end.
  2. mustangj17

    mustangj17 Active Member

    In the final moment, Podunk guard Bob Jones pleaded for a foul in vain. His teammate Bill Johnson rolled his eyes as if trapped in a nightmare.

    Shouldn't it be pleaded in vain for a foul?

    I don't know why I say this but it seems to flow better. I could be completely wrong. Anyone else have any idea as to which would be correct?
  3. forever_town

    forever_town Well-Known Member

    I think mustang is right. I don't know if it's more grammatically correct or not. I do know it reads better.
  4. Millionaire

    Millionaire New Member

    Thanks guys. Anything else?
  5. forever_town

    forever_town Well-Known Member

    I don't like the term "shooting clinic" in "Jones put on a shooting clinic."

    I'd just tighten it by saying, "Jones hit seven threes en route to a team-high 24 points." Let the actions do the talking in that graf.
  6. pretty solid story. was it on deadline?

    mustang's right because it's accurate that way. the pleading was in vain, not the desired foul.

    i agree about the cliche shooting clinic and about making it tighter in general.

    gotta ask a dumb question since it's the first time i wandered into this room: did you change the names to protect the innocent or was this just practice? i ask because i know you're still in school.
  7. IllMil

    IllMil Active Member

    To "protect the innocent."

    And my own name, actually I changed it because I couldn't remember the password, and when I tried to get a reminder, couldn't remember the email I registered with.
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