Baseball thread No. 8 - play nice

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

If it makes you feel any better, I was at County Stadium when the Brewers won the '82 pennant. 

The Brewers won today, but I'm still in Turnbow medieval mode.

I'm going to take his ass to Wick Park in the old neighborhood, site of my glorious baseball exploits. Actually, it was the site of me letting a ball go through my legs in right field in 8th grade, a three-run error costing powerful St. Sebastian School a shutout. It was humiliating and I teared up on the way home. I was ostracized by my teammates for a week. I'll take Turnbow and tell him, "You see this field? This is the site of one of my most humiliating sports moments." I would assume ugly-ass would utter a guttural, "Uh-huh, big fucking deal."

That's when I kick him squarely in his 'roid-shrunken sack.

"You feel that? That's what you're doing to Brewers fans far and wide. I choose this site so I could humiliate you as I was once humiliated. Now move your ass!"

We proceed west on Vliet Street, me literally putting my boot in his ass for 8 city blocks. Turnbow getting his ass kicked in front of the Four Walls Tavern (don't know if its still called that, but whatever), Turnbow getting his ass kicked in front of Matt's Transmission, Turnbow getting his ass kicked at the corner where I once bought Boy Blue bars from a defunct chain -- getting an extra kick because I'm hungry for one, Turnbow getting his ass kicked in front of the old Melrose Tavern -- where my dad supposedly drank a beer with Rick Majerus, though it was probably just some random obese man who said,"Oh-fense", Turnbow getting his ass kicked until we reach Highland Lanes.

"Sit the fuck down, let's go bowling!" I make him bowl until he can set up a 7-10 split.

This is where guest star Gorman Thomas comes in.

Everytime Turnbow fails to set up a 7-10, Thomas clocks him with a half-mug of original Schlitz and launches into a humiliating tirade of cusswords that would make R. Lee Ermey run like a little bitch.

"You call that long hair, you big pansy? Not only did I have longer hair in my prime, I had mutton-chops too, you fake-ass poser. And don't think I didn't my fair share of trim out of it either. Mark Brouhard's wife -- yeah, I nailed her -- once told me every good reacharound starts with a caress of a muttonchop. It's a theory I tested many times to make sure it was tried and true. And yeah, it was the sexual revolution, buy my Pythagorean getting-in-the-sack number is still way low, mainly because I smelled like County Stadium stadium sauce and a half-eaten George Webb hamburger most of the time."

Finally Turnbow sets up a 7-10.

"Looks pretty easy, doesn't it?" I say. "Kind of like the NL wild card race. Right before the All-Star break, the Brewers were 2 1/2 games out, but your dumb ass keeps blowing chances to stay in it. The Brewers are still sort of in it, but now you have to leapfrog probably six other teams to get there. So the 7-10 is a metaphor for what your sorry ass has done to this team, isn't it?"

"When do we get to kill him?" Thomas said. "I've got Oglivie, Lezcano and Harvey Kuenn's widow ready with a hot muffler and three burning tires in West Allis. Just say the word."

"Uh, err, better hold off on that, Stormin'" I say. "I'm taking Turnbow for a ride."

We make the short drive to Saz's Bar on State Street, near Miller Park.

"I brought you here, Derrick, with every intention of throwing you off the Hawley Street bridge, into the Menominee River. But I didn't, and not just because it's being re-built.

"I brought you here to illustrate one of my great boyhood moments. It was here that I celebrated on Oct. 17, 1982 after the Brewers won the American League pennant. Horns were honking all over Milwaukee, kids like me were in the bars and taverns celebrating -- OK, kids were always in Milwaukee bars -- but that's beside the point.

"We lived and died with that team. I was 11 at the time, no team will ever touch that team in my pantheon of teams that truly touched my heart.

But you know what? I think every Brewers fan who has only had that team to look back on fondly for 24 years now, absolutely aches to move on. As much as I love my '82 Brewers, I so badly want it to happen again. I want a new team to embrace. I want my kids, who are already showing daddy's madness for baseball to potentially have a Brewers team of their own era to respect.

And while no one is going to confuse the current Brewers with the '82, or even the 1987 or 1992 Brewers, the fact is the chance is there. This is the best chance in ages, with the best team make-up since the late 80s. You're hurting us Derrick. You're stealing memories Brewers fans positively would kill to experience again.

But here's the good news. The Brewers are only five games out. You can thank the dog-ass National League for sparing your life.

Now go, take this talk to heart. Stop fucking up.

 

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

Tremendous work, Bubbler.

Your pain is, indeed, greater than this Dodger fan's pain.

 

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

If Bubs doesn't win Member and Post of the Year, I swear to God I'LL GET A FUCKING HAIRCUT!

 

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

What Doc said.

 

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

It seems Alex Rodriguez is having some defensive problems with the Yankees. Has anyone heard anything about this?

 

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

There's a rumor he makes a lot of money.

Anybody know if it's true?

 

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

I think the Yankees/Red Sox/Duke/Bonds sports network devoted some time on the subject today.

 

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

At this point of the season, would it be safe to say that a pair of rookies are the favorites for the AL Cy Young?

Francisco Liriano — Tied for the major league lead in wins (12), lowest ERA in the AL by nearly a run (1.93) and averaging well over a strikeout an inning (125 K's in 107 innings).
Jonathan Papelbon — League-leading 29 saves, microscopic 0.54 ERA, batters hitting .154 against him.

Who gets your vote?

 

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

If Bonderman and Weaver keep up their pitching, the vote becomes even tougher.

 

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

Read somewhere -- think it was The Sporting News -- that suggested Papelbon could win the Cy, MVP and ROY. Sounds nuts, but it could happen. Then again, August and September WILL happen, so it's probably a bit early to project how this kid will hold up.