Bad economy felt on the street

He gets paid so little maybe they keep him around. Maybe Telly gets whacked.

 

Nah, Oscar makes good coin.

He just blows it all on booze, hookers and the ponies.

 

I could see that.

 

Burt and Ernie can retire to Key West.

 

Gloomy Day
Sweepin' the 401Ks away
On my way to where in the air is defeat

Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Recession Street

 

This episode is brought to you by the letter ¢.

 

CEO: OK, OK, lets bring this meeting to order. Listen, nobody likes this, but we are losing money and we need to cut someone.

UNDERLING: What about the Count?

ACCOUNTING: No way. That guy is very profitable. He made 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10...TEN DOLLARS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Last year alone.

MARKETING: But he doesn't bring anything else to the table. He doesn't do letters. Or songs. We have to be able to diversify our offerings. We can't rely on niche marketing to revive us. And have you seen the heating costs for that castle? Remember when he told us to fuck off when we asked that he chip in on the weatherproofing?

ACCOUNTING: Sorry, but he's the best counting we've got. Cream rises to the top. And if we let him go, SpongeBob will make him an offer and he'll take fans with him.

UNDERLING: What about Oscar?

MARKETING: No way. Today's six year olds demand edgier characters. Oscar taps into that latent vein of rebellion. He's the Shawn Hunter of Sesame Street. He's wild, he's impulsive, he acts out because he is misunderstood.

CEO: Agreed. Oscar is definitely safe. Anyone else?

ACCOUNTING: I see a line item in here for a Snuffleupagus. Anyone know what that is about?

(Everyone looks around shaking their head)

ACCOUNTING: He is 10% of our talent budget for this year. Does anyone know ANYTHING about him?

(Two seconds pass)

HR: I remember now. That was the line item we slipped in there to get past the IRS auditors. Big Bird had some gambling and drug problems -- that white stuff above his eyes isn't what you think it is -- and we needed to give him some money under the table or he would go to OSHA about the unpaid overtime. We created this imaginary friend for him, stuck it in the budget and handed him an envelope of cash under the table.

CEO: Good work. But why not cut Big Bird if we are paying that much?

HR: He'd run right back to OSHA and probably out us over the imaginary friend payments to the IRS.

CEO: But wouldn't that set him up for a tax fraud charge?

LEGAL: Probably, but he would get a sweetheart deal for selling us out on the stand. The Obama people would rather take down a business like us than get a cokehead bird on tax fraud. And honestly, he's had us over a barrel ever since Gordon got drunk and went on a rant about how all birds are lazy, shiftless bums who keep knocking up female birds and running away.

MARKETING: If Gordon's rant gets out, we are done.

CEO: Yeah, we can't take those risks. It's better to keep the bird here where we can keep an eye on him. What about Bert and Ernie?

MARKETING: Sir, given how strongly Hollywood felt about Prop 8, we can't be kicking two gay guys to the curb. If we do that, they will immediately come out the closet and they will do go on Today-GMA-that shitty CBS morning show-the View-Fox and Friends-the Daily Show-Greta-and Ellen. Our brand cannot take that kind of hit. Every liberal housewife is going to tell her kids they can't watch a show run by homophobes.

CEO: For the love of God, is there anyone we can cut?

UNDERLING: Elmo?

MARKETING: Are you kidding? What the fuck are you smoking? Elmo is the show. He's like the Fonz of Sesame Street.

ACCOUNTING: But we are paying him like a star and he's an asshole. The other day, a bunch of kids were waiting outside for autographs and Elmo asked one of them if he eats too much because his uncle touches his penis. And then he didn't sign autographs for any of them. And he never learns his lines.

CEO: We sink or swim with Elmo. Anyone else?

UNDERLING: What about Grover?

CEO: What about him?

UNDERLING: I mean, he does good work, doesn't really complain, pretty much everyone likes having him around, but he isn't a big star or anything.

ACCOUNTING: The cost savings are pretty moderate. His salary isn't that large.

MARKETING: Grover's a good kid, but we can't put his name in lights.

CEO: Well, Grover it is. Lets get out of here before my secretary leaves at four. I need a good hummer.

 

Calling Rosie O'Donnell . . .

 

Bravo, PDB.

 

This is some fucking work, Pope.

 

didn't this get leaked in a newsroom-wide e-mail at the star-telegram?