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Another football gamer

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by budcrew08, Sep 18, 2007.

  1. budcrew08

    budcrew08 Active Member

    I saw one of these and decided to post my own.

    BURNT HILLS - On Nick Henderson's first two carries of the night against Averill Park Friday, he fumbled.
    But Burnt Hills-Ballston Lake coach Matt Shell said he still had confidence in his running back despite the miscues.
    "He turned it over the first two times he touched it, you could see (that he had) lost confidence in himself," Shell said. "But I told him you're not coming out; you're going to continue to play. I told him you have a lot of ability, trust yourself, we have confidence in you."
    Henderson atoned for his mistakes in a big way, scoring three touchdowns to lead the Spartans (1-0, 2-1) to a 35-14 Class A Division I victory over the Warriors (0-1, 1-2) in the first conference game for both teams.
    "He really responded, I was proud to see him bounce back the way he did," Shell said.
    Henderson said he was down, but knew he had time to make it up.
    "I fumbled, but it was only in the first quarter," Henderson
    said. "I put the fumbles behind me and I got the touchdowns to make up for it."
    After the first fumble, Averill Park got the ball at the Spartans 32, and senior Josh Fleming scored on a 16-yard touchdown run three plays into the game to give the Warriors a 7-0 lead. Henderson scored on a 1-yard run up the middle with 4:29 left in the half to tie the score at seven.
    "We came out strong, but we didn't always capitalize on their mistakes," said Averill Park coach Bill Roemer.
    The Warriors again took the lead, scoring on a 39-yard touchdown pass from junior Tim Murdick to Shane Gavitt to make the score 14-7, but Henderson scored again on an 11-yard run to the outside to tie the game again.
    Averill Park's next drive showed promise, but on a first-and-ten play from the Burnt Hills' 36, Fleming fumbled and the Spartans' Kyle Vuillaume recovered.
    On the ensuing drive, Burnt Hills went nine plays and quarterback Paul Layton finished off the drive with a 24-yard quarterback keeper up the middle to give Burnt Hills the 21-14 lead. Layton finished the game 9-for-11 for 117 yards and an interception.
    "Layton is very athletic and intelligent ... he understands what to do," Shell said. "He has a great command for the offense."
    Roemer said that sequence was the turning point in the game.
    "We didn't make a couple of stops in the third quarter when we had to," Roemer said. "They scored to tie it, we had the turnover, and going into the wind was like going uphill. We still need to learn how to finish football games."
    Averill Park mounted another drive after the turnover, but turned the ball over on downs. Two plays later, freshman Brandon Beatty took an inside handoff 45 yards for a score to increase the lead to two touchdowns.
    "At the half, I told the guys, 'If we can limit mistakes, come out and stay consistent, you'll have a chance to win," Shell said.
  2. Bud,

    Thanks for posting! I have a lede suggestion.

    In your first line, you've done good: you've set up some drama. I think, after reading it, "So what happens on his next carries?" I expect some more drama, some more story. Instead, you've given me...reaction to the story, as uttered to a reporter, without telling the story itself. Thus, you've taken me out of the moment and into...a post-game chat. Whenever possible, stay in the moment! That's what keeps us reading. Perhaps something like:
    BURNT HILLS - On Burnt Hills-Ballston Lake running back Nick Henderson's first two carries against Averill Park Friday night, he fumbled.

    After the first error, Henderson walked slowly to the sideline, muttering to himself. After the second, his shoulders sagged, his head dropped.

    Before he could sit down on the bench, his coach grabbed him by the shoulders.

    "You could see that he had lost confidence in himself," Matt Shell said. "I told him, 'You're not coming out; you're going to continue to play.' I told him, 'You have a lot of ability, trust yourself, we have confidence in you.'"

    Soon enough, Henderson had his mojo back. Running with speed and power - and two hands on the ball - he scored three touchdowns to lead the Spartans to a 35-14 Class A Division I victory over the Warriors.

    "I fumbled, but it was only in the first quarter," Henderson said. "I put the fumbles behind me and I got the touchdowns to make up for it."
    That's long - it takes me a while, perhaps too long, to get to the score. And I've made up stuff, obviously. And don't ever talk about mojos. Hope it illustrates my point, though.

    Otherwise: you've certainly done a decent job. I'd avoid putting the team's record before the score of the game - that's confusing. My other general piece of constructive criticism: you might attempt to substitute some analysis for some of the play-by-play-style writing you've done. Instead of - or addition to - telling us about each drive, fumble, score, tell us why the score was what it was. Was the Spartans' o-line/d-line dominant? Were their receivers too fast for the Warriors' secondary? Trust your judgement. Don't let it dominate the story - this is a gamer, not a column - but trust yourself enough to tell us "why" instead of simply "what."

    Thanks for letting me read and bother you! All the best.
  3. Tom Petty

    Tom Petty Guest

    just where is this school: Averill Park Friday?
  4. Mayfly

    Mayfly Active Member

    You drive down Week Street and if you get to the End, you have gone to far. The school is tucked in there between Averill Park Thursday and Saturday. You can't miss it. That's all I got.
  5. budcrew08

    budcrew08 Active Member

    I know you guys are goofing on it, but do I need the "on Friday" instead of just "Friday" there?
  6. budcrew08

    budcrew08 Active Member

    Thanks for the feedback.
  7. Mayfly

    Mayfly Active Member

    Yes. Because others could misread it as to being the school name.
  8. TyWebb

    TyWebb Well-Known Member

    I like sirvaliant's suggestions, but I would really try and the the results higher up in the story. It isn't that far down, but maybe put that graph before the first quote instead of after. I don't think that messes up the flow of the story any.
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