An open letter to Haley Scarnato

Dear Haley,

Hello, I hope you're doing well. Congratulations on surviving yet another round on American Idol. However, I'm fearful that this upcoming week may be your last, and that's why I'm writing to you today.

You're beautiful. OK, you're hot. Provably hot. Demonstrably hot. You're so hot JDV is not even in your league. That's why it's so confounding why you're teetering on elimination. Some may say it's because you're not that great a singer, but I've got two words for those naysayers -- Sanjaya Malakar. If that talentless hack can avoid the bottom three, then there's no reason why you can't either. Perhaps you can even follow his lead -- focus on your strengths and don't even bother with the song.

With that in mind, I have just one suggestion for this week's show: go nude. Don't worry about an outfit, just show off your assets to the millions of voters and you'll be guaranteed to stay around, at least for one more week. It'll help if you find a song that comes with just a piano accompaniment and make love to the piano like Michelle Pfeiffer did in "The Fabulous Baker Boys." Actually, hold off on that. You'll need to hold something back for the next week's show.

If you take this advice, you won't have to worry about being in the bottom three, and maybe then we can tell that Bollywood B-lister where he should go. I understand that you may be a little apprehensive at first, but there's something bigger than your pride and self-esteem on the line. We're talking about preserving the integrity of a reality TV show. If you make this noble sacrifice, I guarantee you will be rewarded.

Thank you for your time, and good luck.

Sincerely,

Freelance Hack

P.S. -- In the event that network censors (Does Fox have standards?) won't allow you to go au naturale, then just go with the skimpiest outfit you can find.

P.P. S. -- If you need a song suggestion, I would recommend going with Sheena Easton's "Sugar Walls."

 

I think she's been going with the skimpiest outfits she could find for a couple weeks now. It's why she's still there.

F_H, I just hope phone dialing and texting doesn't cause carpal tunnel.

 

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This ain't skimpy.

 

That was like a month ago, at least. I think. It was on the old stage, before the final 12.

And it's hideous. Never post that picture again.

 

Haley shouldn't go nude, she should continue to tease, as she's done in past weeks. Because if there's that much commotion about wanting to see Haley nude, her agent should contact Hugh Hefner and see how much it's worth to him to land an American Idol contestant in his magazine.

 

This didn't leave a whole lot to the imagination, as I remember the boys talking about her "assets":

 

Actually, this leaves even less to the imagination

 

Especially if he's doing it one-handed.

 

as borat would say:

VEH-RY NIICE!! 8)

 

Freelance,

You must really be enamored of this girl's voice for you to be pulling so hard for her.

 

Hey, I'm not doing this as a member of SportsJournalists.com's Masturbation Nation. Rather, I'm simply calling on Haley to use her assets in our quest to rid the viewing public of Sanjaya.