All the Catholics out there say, "Ho!": A Communion etiquette question

I'm not buying the go to confession to go to communion rule. I tend to see most of the church's rules more as suggestions anyway. ;D

Last time I went to confession was the rehearsal for my wedding. At the end of the rehearsal, the priest announces he'll be in the confessional to take confessions. Well, that got some 'ok, whatever' looks from the folks in the wedding party as expected--not a partaker in the group. Not a surprise--bunch of heathens. All well and good, though, as they had been chosen more for their role at the reception anyway--rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints thing, ya know.

Well, the soon to be future Mrs. Captain a) figured we were expected to go as bride and groom and b) didn't want to leave the priest hangin', so she talks me into going against my better wishes. Already being the good husband even before it was official.

I go in and give the standard use the Lord's name in vain, haven't always honored the Sabbath, lied type speech. But, I definitely wasn't going to give up the whole pre-marital sex thing. To borrow a phrase from sc and cadet, I wasn't going to go in and offer up "Heh, padre, I boned like I owned it, my man. Is that a problem?"

Now, since the future had gone first, I knew this was a risky strategy. What if he had got her to talk? Would she crack? If so, great, now I'm committing a sin right in the middle of confessing all the others. Would my world spin into some religious vortex of demons and hellfire right there in the dimly lit closet I was kneeling in at the back of the church? Would he stomp out of the confession, announce to friends and family present that the wedding was off because we had engaged in many varieties of the horizontal bop?

I held my course, finished my say and held silent on any talk involving anatomical naughty parts and exchange of bodily fluids.

The right move. My wonderful bride to be had kept it on the qt as well, of course. The silent treatment they teach prisoners of war. I knew she was savvy, knew how to play the game; hell (whoops), that's certainly one of the reasons why I was marrying her.

Now, it's 18+ years later. If I do ever go back to confession, I figure I'm ok to tell his holiness that I drilled it 'til I spilled it.

 

And if he said "So did I?" we're all in trouble...

 

Bubbler, in your comments, I hear echoes of the reasons why I'm Episcopalian and not Catholic. We ordain women, we're ok with contraception, we allow priests to marry and we're accepting of gay people (although the latter point is causing some huge problems, but that's another matter.)

Still, even though I can't intellectually accept what Rome has to offer, I'm a Catholic at heart, as any guy whose dad grew up in an all-Irish neighborhood on Chicago's South Side would be. Up the Republic, fuck the Orange Order, etc. I'm on the same page with you in that I'm a social liberal but liturgical conservative. If you're you're going to be in church, fucking do it right and be old school.

The Episcopalian Church has two tendencies- the dominant "low church" tendency, which is more Protestant in its litugical outlook, and the "high church" tendency, which has an Anglo-Catholic fondess for traditional liturgy. My church is in the middle. I hate the half-assed semi-genuflecting. Take a fucking knee unless you're physically unable. What, are you Joe Pisarcik? And I hate it when loosey-goosey, low-church casualness creeps into the service. Fortunately, that doesn't happen too often. There's no hand-holding during the Our Father, I've never seen kids with toys, everyone (including children) is expected to STFU and stay that way unless they're singing or reading a response. When the choir has some musical instruments helping out, it's traditional arrangements. No hippie deacons with guitars or stoned teenaged acolytes on the drums.

As far as the sign of the cross after receiving the Eucharist, I do it out of habit, but honestly have no idea if anyone else does it. I try to zone out into some Thomas Merton-esque state of amateur mysticism at that point, so I'm often pretty oblivious to what's going on. I have noticed, though, that there seems to be a general confusion and uneasiness about when to make the sign of the cross. There are so many Baptists around here in Cowshitistan, I think they've managed to make many of us feel guilty about doing anything even slightly ritualistic.

 

Spillin the seed is a sin you know. You also now must confess to any impure thoughts that you sent via text message. Its a whole now world of sinning.

 

I hope God has a forgiving attitude about horny text messages, 'cause they're lots of fun to send and even more fun to receive.

 

Believe it or not, I don't go to church often -- usually just for weddings and baptisms. The last wedding I went to was Catholic, and I basically stood there doing nothing because I was so lost. I didn't take communion, not because I wasn't "allowed," but because I had no idea what to do. My friend, who is a practicing Catholic, stayed with me so I didn't look like any more of a fool. After the wedding, she told me I did the right thing by staying put. I had no idea there were rules behind that sort of thing.

 

ya know, if I could text in my confessions, I'd be more likely to it.

Could also save time, by just pulling up the previous text and re-sending on a regular basis.

 

Fenian will accept text confessions and provide absolution. It works great.

 

Ah the homily. Ninety percent of the time, it's like a reading a really bad column.

Once in a blue moon you get a priest who's funny or can articulate his point in a way the masses want to hear it, but most of the time, it feels like break time to me.

 

Altar Boy Tales Not Involving Pedophilia, Chapter One --

During my days on the altar, I noticed that a lot of the old immigrant ladies crossed themselves after receiving. Of course, they crossed themselves when they walked past a black cat, so I'm not sure it wasn't something they just did. In my own preparation for First Communion -- the last undertaken in the Tridentine rite -- they never told us to do so. I know that both Russian and Greek Orthodox do it, and I think Eastern Rite Catholics do, too.
One of the things I liked to do was to rub the rubber soles of my shoes on the altar carpet and then touch the communicant on the chin -- or, best of all, the tongue -- and then watch them jump from the static charge.
I am going to hell for that.

 

Back in college I had a girlfriend who was Catholic, and she wanted me to go to her Church one weekend. I was raised Episcopalian, so I figured it couldn't be that different. I said, sure, but then she started blurting out all these rules, like no communion, genuflecting...if we get married you'll have to convert...(Whoa. What? I'm just here for the no-strings 19-year-old sex), etc. -- basically making me feel like a heathen right there on Friday afternoon. Remembering it was Lent, I took her out to a nice restaurant and let her watch me eat a big steak, before I told her it might be best if she let me sleep in on Sunday.

That was a great steak.

 

Does God have an email addy? There are a few things I need to confess ... about 20 years to catch up on.