Advice needed: My son is screwing up his life

Thanks. There's no date, at least today. I hope it stays that way at least for a couple of years.

 

As things stand, I would be supportive, and send a box of rubbers with the monthly check.

 

Maybe their engagement last 5 years. If so you, everyone goes home happy.

I'm on my 13th year of fatherhood and many times I feel like its my first day. One of the best things about my wife is she always tries to get me back to remembering how special my boys are when I start getting on them for the errors of their ways that I see. When I remember how special they are, the faults don't seem so bad.

If the woman is kind and shy, she may be just going along with the engagement as well, not really expecting to be in a wedding anytime soon.

Good luck 'Pole and to your son (don't forget to tell him you're proud of his good work).

 

qtlaw: Your advice for some reason triggered the third verse of Trisha Yearwood's "She's In Love With The Boy," especially the part where Mama comes in.

The passage it reminded me of:
"But Mama breaks in and says, "don't lose your temper
It wasn't very long ago
When you yourself was just a hay-seed plowboy
Who didn't have a row to hoe

"My daddy said you wasn't worth a lick
When it came to brains, you had the short end of the stick
But he was wrong and honey you are too
Katie looks at Tommy like I still look at you"

We ALL have done things to make our parents shake their heads. Some of us have done things that our parents wished they could -- or actually tried to -- forbid us from doing. At some point, to give a nod to that great philosopher Roseanne, "No matter how much we try to control what our kids do, at some point they are just gonna do what they're gonna do. They are like people that way."

I have a helicopter father, and he often stepped in in ways that prevented me from really growing the way I should have. Perhaps that's my own bias.

 

With all due respect to beanpole, I'm going to chime in with a "be concerned" message.

If your son is a religious person attending a religious school, he'll be married within six months. Assuming his girlfriend is also religious and is looking forward to a future as a pastor's wife, the good news is they're likely not having sex. The bad news is once they get married they'll be pregnant soon.

Perhaps their brand of Christianity is not anti-fornication and anti-birth control, but I wouldn't count on it.

Your son is likely under tremendous social pressure to get married (and possibly to have sex, but only after marriage). Even if the pressure didn't come directly from his girlfriend, it's all around him. One of the best things you can do for him is to understand the pressures of the community he belongs to.

In that type of environment, getting married is more important than growing up. This is another way that you can help him. Force him to think through some grown-up issues. And not just about marriage, but about attending classes and how he plans to start his career and how he'll handle the business of being an adult. Ask him to get specific. (When do you plan to replace the plastic ring? How much do you think is reasonable to spend? How long do you think it will take you to get that amount?) Making him think through adult issues will help him regardless of relationship status.

And then ask the questions about how he plans to finish his education and maintain a long-distance relationship and how they would handle an unplanned pregnancy. Don't accept "God will provide" as an answer. God gave him brains to figure out how to provide for himself.

As for the money, think of it this way: As long as he keeps the original bargain you made (his good grades and career plan for your cash), keep footing the bill. As soon as he changes that plan, you are under no obligation to uphold your part of the bargain.

And anyone who is grown up enough to get married is grown up enough to pay for their own expenses after that.

Now, as a parent, you can't exactly come out and tell him he's making a mistake. It is his life, and it is his choice. But choices create situations, and some of those situations involve you. Help him to think like an adult, without disparaging him or his choices, and you will have done your service as a parent.