Advice needed: My son is screwing up his life

Very good points and all well-taken. He *is* a great kid.

I hardly know the girl. I've lived hundreds of miles from them for years and while we have a good relationship, we don't talk as much as we used to. Or visit, although we had a great time at his dorm a month ago. I've met the girl 3-4 times and took them out to dinner once, but she's pretty shy.

From what I can tell about her from her Facebook page though, she's a good kid, and just as innocent and naive as my boy. If it were 5 years in the future, I'd be all for the match.

 

beanpole plans and God laughs.

 

You guys have me softening up. I love the boy. Just want the best for him. But I'm starting to go from "he's ruining his life" to "he's making some questionable decisions"

 

That happened the day my son told his Jewish dad that he wants to be a minister. ;D

 

All of which is fine... As parents, we overreact when it comes to our kids.

 

As someone mentioned earlier, it's his life, not yours. We all make questionable decisions, but if you prepared him for life on his own, he'll be able to deal with it (almost certainly turning to you for advice, counsel, etc, along the way). As a new father, I get what Mizzou is saying. You want to make sure and protect your child at all costs. But it's also a parent's job to prepare their kids to live their own lives. I'm 6 months into fatherhood and I consider that my biggest challenge (ya, I tend to get ahead of myself). Anyway, trying to make sure someone lives their life the way you want them to has a failure rate of roughly 100 percent.

 

It's all downhill from that, bp!

 

Wait, what?

 

I went to college with the idea of being a journalist. I went BACK to school with the idea of being a writer. I'm now a call center banker.

Sometimes, life takes us in other directions. It's part of the deal.

Would I like to make an awesome living out of writing? For the right situation. I don't think my life "sucks" because I work for a bank making more than I did when I was a managing editor at a weekly newspaper. I wouldn't go back to journalism.

My point is: If your son finds fulfillment in his life by doing something other than being a pastor, who are you to say that "sucks"? It's his life.

 

Point of Order's $0.02:

You're not overreacting. He's too young to be getting married. Period. Just to be clear, do they have a wedding date or are they going for a long engagement with no date until after he graduates? If it's the latter I would encourage that and offer your continued support so long as he sticks with the long engagement plan and doesn't get her preggers. If they're about to hitch up I would try to incentivize a switch to a long engagement using your financial support and whatever other persuasive measures you can muster.

If you get a 2+ year engagement with no pregnancy you should have plenty of time to convey wisdom to him about how people don't even know who they are their own selves in their late teens and early 20s, much less trying to manage living with another person the same age who is also changing who they are constantly. Your goal should be to do everything in your ability to persuade him not to get married at this age, but you can't directly say that because that would be the one sure-fire thing to make him run off and do it. You are not overreacting. The odds of him having a long and successful marriage being married at that age are almost nil. And divorces are expenses (as a good friend of mine says "They're expensive because they're worth it") especially if kids are produced. Good luck, but for God's sake don't let this go by with a laisse fare attitude that they're all of 19 years old and they can do what they want, as you have real and valid concerns about the whole thing.

 

I'm not saying he needs to be a pastor his whole life. I'm just hopeful that he doesn't give up after three successful semesters in college, studying something that he says he enjoys, because of a girl. Give the dream more of a chance before you set it aside.

 

I'm Jewish -- I converted in my early 30s. My family is Christian, and my son is attending a religious school studying to be a pastor.

And yeah, I'm readily admitting that I threw my parents for a loop when I converted as much as my son did to me. The difference, as I see it, is that I was an adult and he's not even 20. But it was hard on my parents all the same.