14 Songs You Should Never Play In A Bar

http://www.holytaco.com/2008/06/17/14-songs-you-should-never-play-in-a-bar/

No. 6 -- I Will Survive, Gloria Gaynor

WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The 39-year-old newly-divorced woman whose friends have taken her to a bar where they’re all ten years older than the everyone in the bar, including the manager. After a 45 minute session where she and her friends repeatedly convince her that “any guy in this bar would fuck you. I’m telling you, Janice. You show me one other person who’s had three kids and is as hot as you!” she downs her last cosmo and makes a beeline for the juke box. She confidently plays this song, and as the beginning piano solo comes in, she turns around towards her friends as they all excitedly scream in unison, then begin singing. Behind them a group of 25-year-old frat guys say “How many beers to take down the grandma?”

WHY IT NEEDS OT RETIRE: Nothing kills a buzz faster than having a group of people next to you get up and sing a song with the same passion and intensity of Russell Crowe speech from Gladiator, then suddenly sitting down once the song is over. Attempting to empower yourself by singing a 70s disco song tells the whole bar “I have low self esteem. Talk to me later when I’m drunk and there’s a good chance I’ll fuck you.”

 

BYH is gonna freak when he sees No. 9.

 

Closing Time -- Semisonic.

I. Hate. That. Friggin'. Song.

 

I'm partial to No. 2 Piano Man, even though I love the song.

WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The lonely guy wearing a suit, who just took off his sportcoat, loosened his tie and undid the top button on his shirt. After ordering a scotch and soda he asks the bartender where he was when this song came out. Instead of listening to the guy’s answer, he immediately starts telling him how he came this close to signing to the Mets farm team and how his wife left him because he worked too much and that he really wanted to be a astronaut when he was a kid. Hours later, when he’s finally done with his pity party and gets up to leave, he doesn’t even notice that the bartender hung himself with a bar towel.

WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It makes everyone over 37 all weepy and sad as they sit there and reminisce about all their hope and dreams that never came true. And it makes everyone under 37 furious with murderous rage because they have to listen to this shitty song one more time.

 

Closing Time isn't a bad song, but it's lameass at closing time. Too on the nose.

The Santana-Rob Thomas one had me rolling.

 

Pussy Control and Mony, Mony are right at the top of my list.

 

Followed or preceeded of course by Donna Summer's "Last Dance"

Put a nail in my eye......

 

Strokin' by Clarence Carter is at the top of mine.

I also get pissed when people play music that doesn't fit the bar. It's much worse now with the Internet-connected digital juke boxes.

Some hipster douche will be sitting in a pub with a good mellow vibe and go play Pantera. Nothing like going from Sinatra to "Walk" or some bullshit by 50 Cent.

 

As dreadful as Disturbed is, 50 Cent is the epitome of suck.

 

This list, however, should have begun with people who play Margaritaville and scream, "Where's the salt, where's the fucking salt!" in the fill of the chorus.

They should die in a fire.

 

This list lost all credibility when it mentioned why "Sweet Home Alabama" should be retired and didn't use the words "They...are...so.. blue." Anyone that sings words to songs that aren't originally part of the song but somehow got popular needs to shut the fuck up. Honorable mention for this horribly annoying reason: the aforementioned "Mony Mony" and the two worst offenders, "Sweet Caroline" and "Margaritaville".

 

Nobody said anything about Great White, Zeke.