10,000 Favorite Quotes from The Simpsons

Two Mr. Burns goodies:

"Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We both used slave labor. We both made shell for the Nazis. But mine worked, dammit!"

Also ...

"Sir, the people see you as something of an ogre."

"I ought to club them and eat their bones."

 

The episode with "Linguo" is the one that keeps on giving...

Lisa: If you misuse language, he'll correct you!
Homer: Well, lets put him to the test! Me love beer!
Linguo: I love beer!
Homer: Hey! He loves beer! Here little fellah!
Linguo: ERROR!
Homer: I'm sorry, I thought he was a party robot.

Louie: They's throwing robots!
Linguo: They ARE throwing robots.
Legs: He's disrespecting us. Shuttupa you face!
Linguo: Shut up YOUR face!
Legs: Wassamatta you?
Louie: You aint so big.
Legs: Me and him are gonna whack you in the Labonza!
Linguo: Bad... grammar... overload. Error! Error!
Homer: What the hell!? :gasp: Linguo..... dead!?

And, of course, an all-time standby from when Maggie shot Mr. Burns...

Mr. Burns: "Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence!"

 

Homer: You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals fa-laming.

Homer: There's only two kind of guys who wear those shirts: gay guys and big, fat party animals. And Bart doesn't look like a big, fat party animal to me...

Homer: No I'm not, Marge! They're embarrasing me. They're embarrassing America. They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce, and Lance, and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just, uh...
John: Queer?
Homer: Yeah, and that's another thing! I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!! Well I'm taking back our word, and I'm taking back my son!

Bart: Dad, why'd you bring me to a gay steel mill?

Roscoe: We work hard. We play hard. [pulls a chain, "Everybody Dance Now" starts playing]

Moe: Come on, don't take this so hard, Homer. You still got that other kid, uh... Lisa. Let's, uh, take her out hunting tomorrow; make her into a man.
Homer: Aw, she'd never go. She's a vegetarian.
Moe: Oh, geez! Homer, geez! You and Marge ain't cousins, are you?

Homer: Hey! We owe this guy, and I don't want you calling him a sissy. This guy's a fruit, and a... no, wait, wait, wait: queer, queer queer! That's what you like to be called, right?
John: Well, that or John.

Homer: You know, Bart, maybe it's the concussion talking, but any way you choose to live your life is okay with me.
Bart: Huh?
Lisa: [whispering] He thinks you're gay.
Bart: He thinks I'm gay?! ["Everybody Dance Now" starts playing]

 

To the United Steelworkers of America: Keep reaching for that rainbow!

 

More from You Only Move Twice:

The Scorpio Theme:

Scorpio!
He'll sting you with his dreams of power and wealth.
Beware of Scorpio!
His twisted twin obsessions are his plot to rule the world
And his employees' health.
He'll welcome you into his lair,
Like the nobleman welcomes his guest.
With free dental care and a stock plan that helps you invest!
But beware of his generous pensions,
Plus three weeks paid vacation each year,
And on Fridays the lunchroom serves hot dogs and burgers and beer!
He loves German beer!


------------

Homer: Wow, my boss.
Hank: Don't call me that word. I don't like things that elevate me
about the other people. I'm just like you. Oh, sure, I come later
in the day, I get paid a lot more and I take longer vacations,
but I don't like the word "boss".

-------------

Bart: Listen lady, I'm s'pose to be in the fourth grade.
Teacher: Seems to me that someone's got a case of the "s'pose'das".
Bart: [moans]


----------------

Hank: Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?
Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
Hank: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that?
Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut,
that's on third.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Hank: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got
Put-Your-Butt-There?
Homer: Mm-Hmm.
Hank: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact,
they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on
third.
Homer: Oh, the hammock district.
Hank: That's right.
-- "You Only Move Twice"

Hank's secretary tells him they're ready for the linkup.

Hank: Uh, Homer, one second. I gotta take care of this. Very important.
Be right back.
Homer: Fine.
[Hank's map of the world reveals a giant viewscreen, on which
appears the UN staff]
Hank: Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the Doomsday
Device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold or you'll face the
consequences. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this.
[activates a remote]
[an explosion occurs near the UN building]
Man 1: Oh, my God, the 59th Street bridge!
Man 2: Maybe it just collapsed on its own.
Man 1: We can't take that chance.
Man 2: You always say that. I want to take a chance.
Hank: Collapsed on its own? You, sh... You have 72 hours. See ya.
[to Homer] Back to the hammocks, my friend. You know, there's a
little place called Mary Ann's Hammocks. The nice thing about
that place is Mary Ann gets in the hammock with you. [laughs]
I'm just kidding.
Homer: Oh.
Hank: You know who invented the hammock, Homer?
Homer: No.
Hank: That's something for you to do. Find that out.

 

(Maybe this belongs on Yawn's stupid thread)
Bart: "But Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?"
Grandpa: "I figured it was 'cause the Democrats were in power again."


Mr. Burns: "I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant."


Homer: "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

 

Homer: You tried and you failed. The lesson is: never try.

Homer: Urge to kill rising, rising, RISING. (A personal favorite when at work)

 

http://download.lardlad.com/sounds/season12/snow21.mp3

 

That was almost as disturbing as your sig picture.

 

Thought of another one:

Homer: Jealous?
Lenny: Homer, we have the sa ...
Homer: You'rrrrrre jealous.
Lenny: ... me chair.

 

Fuck you, little bro, for snagging that one before I did!

 

Poochie: The name's Poochie-D and I rock the telly
I'm half Joe Camel and a third Fonzarelli
I'm the kung-fu hippie from gangsta city
I'm a rappin' surfer, you da fool I pity!
Scratchy: Wow, Poochie is one outrageous dude.
Itchy: He's totally in my face.
Poochie: Catch you on the flipside, dudemeisters. Not! And remember, kids, always recycle, to the extreme! Busted!