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Would really appreciate feedback on the feature I wrote on Patrick Cantlay

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by biggy0125, Mar 24, 2012.

  1. biggy0125

    biggy0125 Member

  2. JPW

    JPW New Member

    I'm new here, but the idea of this seems so great to me that I thought I had to get involved. I know I always want people reading my stuff and commenting, so I figured I would help others out too. Hope this board picks up a little if we all help one another out.

    With that being said, I am not totally sure how to read and comment effectively, so I'm just going to go for it and I hope some of it is useful.

    Overall, very good stuff. Painted a pretty good picture of someone I had never heard of before. Since some of his quotes were so unenthusiastic, I would have liked a little more colorful description from you about his personality or how he carried himself. While you told me a lot about him, I feel like I don't know what his personality is like because his quotes were often indifferent or unexciting. Maybe talking with the swing coach, who he mentions multiple times, or his parents could have provided some of that color that he did not give. I think it moved well and you were descriptive when it called for it and straight forward when you needed to be. Some other things:

    - Don't necessarily need the math done for me when you say he is 20 and then has played for 17 years. The parenthetical seems redundant for a reader who is paying attention.

    - Sixth graph seems like it could be better in two sentences. I would break it after the "incredibly natural." It reads awkwardly with the "and that" afterward.

    - "Push and pull tee shots as is pleases" is excellent to me. Love it.

    -You did a good job of wrapping up the collegiate accomplishments in a couple quick paragraphs.

    - I felt like some of the pro tour experiences dragged on a little. the only thing that seemed disorganized to me was when after talking about the (non)decision to turn pro, you throw in "Another experience Patrick Cantlay will draw on" and describe another tournament experience. This felt a little out of place enough to hang up my reading.

    - I liked the ending, but wouldn't have minded if you did away with the last sentence. I think that the flipping imagery of him stalking his future (also a call back to the Tiger reference) is a quality place to end it.

    Hope some of this helped. Good stuff overall man.
  3. biggy0125

    biggy0125 Member

    Thanks, a lot. Cantlay has clearly already been trained with how to handle the media so that made it rather difficult to engage. Unfortunately the turnaround after I interviewed him didn't give me a ton of time to go to another source, but I definitely understand what you're saying. I really appreciate the feedback.
  4. Versatile

    Versatile Active Member

    You're too young to be so curmudgeonly about how Tiger Woods has ruined golf. The lead to this column reads like Murray Chass or George Will hemming and hawing about nothing in particular.

    But if you're going to be that cynical, you should consider such cynicism toward your subject. You fawn on Patrick Cantlay. You do a lot of the, "Most golfers would [blank], but Cantlay doesn't because he's awesome."

    In your emphasizing of how he's different, you never actually write anything that makes him seem different or human. The piece lacks color, which comes from anecdotes and fine details. The ending is corny, too.

    You're a fine writer, in terms of stringing together sentences, but you need to re-think your approach. There were too many cliches.
  5. biggy0125

    biggy0125 Member

    Thanks for the feedback. I can definitely see how it reads that I was being a curmudgeon, but I actually like Tiger and the emotion he brings to the game. My point was that my generation seems desperate to replicate it and it results in guys like Jeff Overton who are simply WAY over the top, but that is something that I should have conveyed more clearly. I appreciate the criticism though. I know I've still got a helluva a lot left to learn.
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