Worst Sports Lede Contest

It didn't matter that they lost their final game of the season in heart breaking fashion, 63-0 to Big City high, all that mattered to podunk high football team was that they had fun, especially senior quarterback Stan Smith who brought new meaning to the word warrior.

 

"There are no words to describe what this reporter just witnessed."

 

Funny.

 

Columbine ends the season winless

By Jay Farrar
Staff writer

Staring down the double-barreled shotgun of a 0-10 football season, Columbine had every reason to come out guns blazing against arch-rival Fort Collins.
Instead of winning though, Columbine slipped the barrel into their mouths and Fort Collins quarterback Jack Jones pulled the trigger, as Columbine lost, 27-3. Jones, a senior, mowed down the Columbine secondary with a snipers percision and finished the game 9-of-11 for 218 yards and four touchdowns.
"It felt good to take them out," Jones said. "It was like shooting fish in a barrel."
Columbine, had elected to play this season, despite the recent tragedy where two of their students came into the school and killed seven classmates and two teachers.
Jeff Tweedy, Columbine's coach, defended the decision to play this season.
"Football is life," Tweedy said. "Playing sports is what teaches these kids how to handle problems. What happened was unfortunate, but it was more important to play football."

 

I was born in the log cabin my father built.

 

A true Pulitzer.

 

Being born with a face that only Stevie Wonder could love, being born with legs that moved at the speed of Stephen Hawking trying to outrun a turtle and being born too dumb to know that he had less athletic ability than Gomer Pyle never stopped Johnny Heartwarming. Johnny always knew his day would come. He was patient as a dogged suitor in a romantic comedy that his mom always enjoys watching. And for one glorious play, the Podunk High benchwarmer running back watched as the gap opened wider than Paris Hilton's legs and he burst through the line -- as much as Johnny had the speed to burst through anything -- to glory. He sprinted down the sidelines to the sound of the cheers of the 18 fans that remained to the end in Podunk's 77-7 loss to Nowheresville on Friday. Johnny's run marked the high point -- the perfect note on which to end an 0-10 season where the Cardinals got outscored 567-10.

 

Putting on my editor hat ... "Hey asshole, you forgot a trenchcoat reference! Recast it!"

Seriously, Farrar, that's fucked up. I laughed, which the acid test that it's REALLY fucked up.

 

My cat's breath smells like cat food.

 

Sirs, Madames,

These tired eyes have seen many a ballgame and these mustard-covered fingers have tapped out many a gamer from press row but never have I seen anything like what transpired yesterday on the Plains of East York nor found words so inadequate in conveying an experience in the perspiring arts.

YHS, etc

 

Damn, I thought there was going to be a Leaside reference in there somewhere.

 

Bubbler made my day...
Full disclosure: When I was doing quite a bit of stringing, I'd have a little contest with myself to write the worst possible lede and see if I could get it in. So I have actually submitted the lede of "staring down the double-barreled shotgun of an 0-10 season" line.
It didn't make it into print, but I was able to manage some dandies. That was also during the time when I would work names of friends into box scores.
The phone rings...
Me: Hello
Linda: Hey Jay, this is Linda I'm Bobby's mom.
Me: Oh, hello.
Linda: Picked up the paper this morning and I noticed Bobby hit a 3-pointer in the game last night and you know that Bobby is 27 and graduated from high school nine years ago.
Me: Yes ma'am. But it's funny.
Linda: Yes. Yes it is.

Here are some more entries for the bad lede contest. I'm mulling 9/11 and pedophilia for the next entry.

By Jay Farrar
Staff writer

Nathan Seligman is a lightweight.
The Holy Cross junior looks like a Holocaust survior with his gaunt frame, and sunken eyes, but instead of numbers on his arm, Seligman wears numbers on his chest as one of the best cross-country runners in the area.