Worst Sports Lede Contest

Note: I don't know where this should go. It's journalisticy, but it's not a bona fide journalism topic.

Reading the worst lede thread has inspired me (so have three Pepsis and a thing of Starbucks, but I digress) ...

You've heard of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, in which the most god-awful fiction writing gets honored? You haven't? Whatever, here's the deal: write a horrible, wretched, abomination-unto-the-Lord lede for a gamer.

Rules are thus:

• 100 words or less. Yes, you can write a horrible lede if you make it so long it needs two flash drives to carry, but that's cheating.
• While horribly written, it should at least be an attempt to make a coherent opening. Sure, you could type I EAT WALRUSES 33 times and call it a day, but where's the challenge in that?
• Keep it within the confines of newspaper taste Making an awkward or inappropriate analogy is one thing. Saying "Route 66 High's schedule is harder than John Wayne Gacy at a Pokemon convention" is quite another thing.
• Plagurizing will not be tolerated. Suck on your own merits.

Judging will be completed whenever the hell I feel like it. First place gets to put "inagural Sportsjournalists.com I Fail at Writing Sweepstakes winner" on his or her resume for when they apply for management jobs.

So get crapping!

 

It was a dark and stormy night. But the Wilmerding Dingbats didn't care -- they missed big Al Roker's morning weather report -- about a few rain drops. Or the thunder and lighting. They had their own high-pressure system in the backfield as Doobie Toker and John "Long" Dong dropped buckets of yards, a gust of big plays and a flood of touchdowns that would make post-Katrina New Orleans look like the kiddle pool sitting idle in the backyard.

 

(Brooklyn, New York) April 15, 1947. Former NL batting Champion, 'Pistol' Pete Reiser went 2 for 2 with 2 RBIs as the Dodgers beat the Boston Braves 5-3. Hal Gregg got the win for coach Clyde Sukeforth, interim manager for the suspended Leo Durocher.

 

Brian Gomez had always been told that lightning never struck the same place twice, and he believed that High Plains hokum to be true... Until Friday's late tilt in Kansas City, when first, he captured a bolt in a bottle and no-hit the Royals, and next -- only seconds later, after he had raised his arms into the electric night air in celebration, thus becoming the tallest point on the field -- he was blown out of his shoes by a twin-forked firecracker as deadly accurate as his two-seamed sizzler had been.

 

The River Bend Warriors put together a spectacular finish. One for the ages, really. In fact, it was exactly the kind of finish that starting pitcher David Smith was hoping for. Of course, he didn't see it, since he collapsed and died on the mound in the second inning due to what doctors are guessing is a brain aneurysm, but all the same, it was a nice way to the season for the once-lowly Warriors, who managed to end the year 15-10 after a tragic 0-6 start.

 

Here in Pollyannaville, the Homers are constantly in search of other teams to compare themselves. They don't want to settle them on the field of battle -- that would be easier than Paris Hilton after a dozen Absolut Cranberry martinis. No, they pile up loss after loss, then compare themselves to teams they didn't play, all in an effort to make them feel better about the rudderless ship that became the train wreck of a 2006 season. Friday was one of those nights, one of those losses -- and more than enough excuses to keep a brace of proctologists busy for a month.

 

The early clubhouse leader.

 

Words cannot describe what happened on the playing field here tonight. Heroes aren't supposed to be made in the season-opener. But somebody forgot to tell John Smith. He started the plays from scrimmage with one of the most spectacular 3-yard carries you will ever see. What a difference a year makes. But Polk High was forced to punt, and after another few change of series, Smith gained 23 yards. Art Bell scored the game's first points on a 30-yard field goal, but East Central rallied for a 27-23 overtime win during which its coach was led away in handcuffs, half of the team quit at halftime and a masked gunman wounded 14 people in the stands, interrupting the PA announcer's third-quarter 50/50 giveaway announcement.

 

I FOLLOUED KOBE HOMIE AFTAR THIE LAKERS-HAUKS GAME. IT WUZ HARDD TOO KIEP UPP ON MY BIGG WHEIL BUTT I MAD IT TOO HIZ HOUCE. I KNOXED ON THIE DOR BUTT NO ANSWERD. BEFWHORE I COUD SNEEK THRU A WINNDOUW HIS DOGZ ATACKED MIE. NOWW I HAV A GLAS EYE LIK STU SCOT. AL I WAUNTED WUZ AN AUTOGRAF FROM THIE CHARMION.

WATEVER...I STIL LUV U KOBE

EDIT: Oh, you wanted a gamer. :

 

Youths had fun in the contest.

 

But did they try hard and cheer really loud?

 

The Podunk High boys basketball team found out what a difference a year makes as almost a year to the day after losing to Smallville High, they were in danger of doing so again before point guard John Jones stole the ball near midcourt as Smallville's Mike Smith dribbled to run out the clock, and drove the length of the court for the wide-open layup that gave Podunk its first win over Smallville in a span of 16 years during which Podunk was rarely competitive in the intra-city rivalry that dates back more than 30 years.