Why You Should Take A Gun To The Gym

Okay, so I decided that I was going to watch the second half of Game 6 from the little gym that serves all the apartments in my quaint little community. I watched two other Finals games from the gym, and I never saw a soul because it was after 10 p.m.

Tonight, however, I walk in and hear the television just blaring. There are two treadmills, a bike and a stepper all lined up by a mirror. There is a TV in every corner of the room. So I show up hoping to use a treadmill. Instead, some dude who looks like the missing link on steroids is running his balls off. He has one of those goatee-style beards that stretches about four inches past his chin, and he had some crazy eyes.

But he wasn't the problem. I could deal with him. The problem was that his girlfriend was standing on the other treadmill. She had two children with her, and I'm talking about 11 p.m. at night. One kid must've been 2 or 3 and the other was about 4 or 5. Both kids were walking around playing with weights, banging them against things and so forth. Of course, there's a sign there that clearly says children aren't allowed in the gym.

But, hey, I'm a fairly calm guy. So I blow it all off and hop on the bike. As I'm beginning to pedal, I realize that both TVs are blaring. And both are showing one of those religious shows where everybody kneals on a stage and cries as if God had just brought Dale Earnhardt back to life. I mean, these were so loud that I have a freakin' headache, and it was all in stereo surround. So I'm missing the game, and all I hear is about how I should praise Jesus just because of who he is and that I should be glad just because I have life in my body. Of course, I'm openly honest about the fact that I'm an atheist who passionately despises organized religion.

So 20 minutes goes by, and I'm done on the bike. But this lady is still standing there on the treadmill staring at the screen. Five minutes later, her husband or boyfriend or priest or whoever this guy stops his workout, grabs one of the kids, does a few shrugs and heads for the door. For the next five minutes, however, our lady friend is still standing there, eyes glued to the screen while someone shouts about their love of Jesus. The person on the screen wraps up, and the lady takes a few steps toward the door. Then the woman on TV says that she wants to add one more thing, and the lady actually stops her stride and stands there to catch the last few words.

Not only was it infuriating; it was downright bizarre...to the point of being surreal. I'm not sure I'll believe this happened when I wake in the morning.

Okay. I've vented. Thanks for listening, and remember that Jesus walks the heavens for your soul. So remember to send me all your money.

 

Could you clarify one point for me? He grabbed one of the kids and did shrugs. Did he use the kid as the weight for the shrugs or did he set the child down and then pick up some weights to do shrugs?

 

Praise Alah!

 

A few years ago, when I was fresh out of college, I lived in an apartment complex that had one of those good-sized workout rooms with one TV. Worked out there pretty regularly around 8 p.m. One Monday, I went in, and three guys and a (sort-of cute) girl were in there. Guys were all doing workouts, girl was WALKING on one of the treadmills, watching MTV. I walked right over to the set and turned on Monday Night Football. Girl complained, to which my answer was "Honey, Monday Night football is on."

She soon left, and all guys rejoiced. The point? I don't get how people could watch certain things while working out. Watch sports, not the latest news of who J-Lo is fucking this week.      

 

To be precise, he did his shrugs for about two minutes and then grabbed his daughter. But you're partly correct, because he lofted her in the air with such force that I feared he had broken her neck or something.

From the looks of this guy, I'd almost bet money that he's an amateur boxer.

 

Why not put the game on one of the other TVs?

 

One of the best workouts I ever had at the gym came while watching Sue Bird run up and down the court during a WNBA game on TV.

No. 2 was the day the Giants choked away that playoff game against the 49ers a few years ago.

 

If you're going to the gym, you should already have two guns.

Hence, the GUN SHOW...

 

What were you going to do with the gun? Shoot the TV? Shoot the kids?

 

Man my arms are tired. I don't know if you heard, but I did over 1,000.

 

Hahahahah, I would have done the same thing.

 

Lame ...