Why Women Still Can’t Have It All

Anybody read this in the Atlantic:

I read it yesterday, and it's caused such a "stir" the Times has an article about the reaction to it (which is currently the "most emailed" article on their site).

 

The reason women can't have it all is because they don't know what the fuck they want.

 

No one wants to EVER admit it. At least not publicly.

Say it in public and you're called a "pig" or "you hate women".

Look at women's magazines. ALL of them are about "having it all". I do think a superb start-up magazine would be called "RealWoman" -- about how to find success in what is important in a woman's life but NOT having it all.

It really cannot be done very well, no matter what some celebrity says.

Many women (who are mothers) find themselves at that crossroads fairly quickly. They have college degrees and a decent career track until they become a parent. Then it becomes a choice: keep chasing the corner office or stay at home. Perhaps a woman does this with one kid but, once the second kid hits, that becomes incredibly expensive and the guilt sweeps in over the missed milestones.

I am almost 40 and I'm fortunate in that I get to be an engaged father for my kids because I don't work 9-5. I know plenty of career mothers who are absolute grease fires. They're addicted to pills. They swim in fruity drinks whenever they can get away. Their lives are spinning out of control.

Yet no one will tell them this. Advertisers enable woman, saying "you HAVE to buy this for a better life". They see images all over TV that paint them as the smart one in a marriage while their husband is a stupid toad.

No wonder so many of them are so screwed up.

 

I saw this article on FB framed in a discussion from working moms. That discussion focused on what could be done to help them, with a lot of the votes for making work schedules align with school schedules. Excuse me? How is a company supposed to function if meetings and operations can't be before 9:00 or after 3:00?

The other thing that bothered me was her equating of motherhood with marathon running as outside pursuits where one is respected more than another. There is a pretty big difference between those two in the workplace: Nobody says they have to leave early to get to the track.

 

It's OK. The rest of us can't have it all either.

(Personal experience: I'm an office jockey, wife's getting her PhD. No kids. NO KIDS. NO KIDS!!!!!. She'll likely end up taking us overseas with her job. No kids. NO KIDS. NO KIDS!!!!!!. See a theme here?)

 

Whose fucking school starts at 9? Ours did when I was growing up, but it's like 7:30 or 8 now.

 

Ours (Bay Area) starts at 8:45. Allowing time for the commute as well in that hypothetical.

 

Excellent points, all of them.

I wonder if future generations, at some point, revert to the stay-at-home-mom environment. Or dad, whatever. I bet the children would be a lot better off in terms of emotional stability.

How fun it must have been to grow up in the 1950s.

 

Great discussion. Exmediahack makes great points. I'm the world's worst multitasker. When I'm locked in on something, I'm all in. Right now I'm locked in on my kids because I have to be. There's no other choice. They're young and high-maintenance personalities.

As I think about my next career move... What I have in mind is bold and ambitious. It simply can't be half-assed.

Can someone please tell me how I'm going to mother, wife, and career? I tried working PT and ended up sucking at everything.

The article makes me feel better that I'm not the only one struggling with this, but I need answers. Solutions beyond the gobbledygook.

 

My wife answers emails and holds meetings sometimes before 7 and well after 3.

 

I'm still trying to figure out who this mythical creature is who "has it all" -- because everybody I know is just trying to do the best he/she can with the situation they're currently in.

I have friends who make a shit-ton of money who wish they had more time to spend with their kids.

I have friends who spend plenty of time with their kids but wish they weren't living on the ragged edge of financial destruction.

I even have a friend who lives in LA and sleeps with beautiful women on the regular, yet finds himself wishing he could settle down with one and have some kids. (Yeah, he's a little crazy)

As for me, I love being a dad and doing stuff with the kids when I'm not working. But while I'm not unkind or cruel to my wife, I'm sure she'd say I'm not the most attentive husband, either.

None of us have it all. And even if we did, we'd probably find some reason to complain about something.

America! Fuck Yeah!

 

Yeah, I was thinking that this story is just as applicable to men as women. Although I certainly understand the historical context that weighs on women, as well.