Why do grandparents play favorites?

Wow, where to get started on this one...

A lot of parents favor the child who is the most needy, and the child who doesn't need help ends up feeling like they're overlooked or ignored, and that carries over to grandkids.

My wife is the oldest of three. She's very independent. Her sister is very independent. Her brother is, I hesitate the use the word fuck-up, because he's very successful and doesn't have a drug or alcohol problem, but he's a trainwreck socially.

Every time the family gets together, he is clearly favored, not because he's the favorite, but because the perception is that he needs it.

I have cousins who are in a similar situation. The oldest and the youngest are very successful and the middle child is always having financial issues. My aunt and uncle will cancel plans with either of the other two, if the middle child is having any kind of crisis.

 

My mom lives three hours from me. We see her about 8-10 times a year. We drive down there about four times a year, they come up about four times and we meet halfway usually twice.

If one side is making the trip more often than the other, it gets really easy for one side to get pissed.

Fortunately, my wife's family is local, and I don't talk to my dad, so that's a non-issue.

 

I thought the same thing, King.

It was all about what the grandparents don't do. You never mentioned what steps you take to visit or bring the kids.

If you want a relationship, you have to put some work into it.

 

You think it is limited to grandparents?

 

i think it's also true that the family dynamic didn't just start now. i think you have to own the situation and defend your kids to the grandparents -- they are your family now. the grandparents should be hearing about this loud and long, although out of earshot of the kids for the moment.

and if the time comes that you have to draw a line in the sand between the two ends of your family, just remember the grandparents are responsible for the situation through their actions. Stop enabling them.

 

I just can't agree with this. Unless you think there is a serious chance the grandparents will suddenly slap their foreheads and decide, "You know, you are absolutely right! And we have been wrong!" . . . you are just asking for resentment by this "Treat us equally!!" demand.

They are grandparents. The icing on the cake as far as family goes. And unless they have done something that could be considered abusive, they don't need their golden years filled with resentment and hard feelings just because Cousin Johnny got more icing than my little Jimmy.

I had cousins on both sides who were closer to their grandparents than I was. And the reason was simple: They lived closer and visited much more often --- grandparents were basically a home away from home for these cousins. That's just the way it was. And if the grandparents had ever been forced to "choose" between attending something I was doing or something one of the cousins was doing, I would EXPECT them to miss my event. I UNDERSTOOD the dynamic early on and never resented it --- heck, I didn't want to spend every weekend at grandparents' house when I was a kid.

 

Well, since his question was directly related to something that happened to him ... in this case, it's what matters.

 

That was more of a general question to anyone.

 

I obviously don't, since my question above was how parents feel about their kids.

 

I just don't understand this at all. Seems like making an issue out of something for no good end.

 

i'm not looking at it from the grandparents' end, i'm trying to look at it from the grandkids -- who already know they're grandparents don't care for them as much and might -- might -- at some point wonder why their father allows this stuff to happen. that you were in a situation resolved to your benefit is fine, but those grandkids already sense something amiss and need to know (and i'm not talking 'self-esteem, everyone wins a medal, new-age crap) simple assurance from their father that they matter more to him than his feelings for his parents.

which is also why i'd guess there's a deeper family dynamic at play.

 

That's an interesting choice of words.

Basically, the father is guilty of "allowing" the grandparents to feel the way they feel.

But guess what? Those are the grandparents' feelings and cannot be changed by force or tantrum. At best you will get grandparents PRETENDING to care equally, which most kids will see through and will likely cause resentment anyway. If being snubbed is bad, being patronized is worse.

Now, parents showing favoritism is one thing --- kid sees it every day. But berating an old couple you see 3-4 times a year because Cousin got 6 balloons and my kid only got 4? I would have been embarrassed for my parents had they done that when I was a kid.