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When to cut off deadbeat family members?

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by MisterCreosote, Nov 17, 2010.

  1. MisterCreosote

    MisterCreosote Well-Known Member

    I hate getting personal on forums such as these, but you all seem to have all the answers, so I ask: What would it take for you to cut off a family member who obviously doesn't have what it takes to live his/her life?

    The reason I ask is because my brother has asked me for a sizeable loan - again - and I really don't want to give it to him because he doesn't manage money/life well, has pissed away all of the money I've given him in the past, has never paid me back one red cent, spends what little money he has on frivolous shit, and must have a handbook on how to fuck things up at any given time. And, it's not like I'm Nelson Rockefeller. I feel like I'm being used because I love his kids and somehow still hope the money goes to them.

    If anyone has any thoughts, I'd be glad to hear them.
  2. Rosie

    Rosie Active Member

    Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

    You tell him gently but firmly that you simply do not have the funds to loan. He's selfish, the money isn't going to the kids.
  3. doubledown68

    doubledown68 Active Member

    I've not had to deal with anything quite like this, but I think that if you tell him the reasons you stated, you'll be on the right path.

    That's not to say you still can't or won't help him. Tell him you'll work with him on a resume, or help him do whatever he needs to do to land a job, or a better job, or whatever.

    I'm not an overly religious guy, but the whole give a man to fish/teach him to fish thing might be the right tact to take.
  4. albert77

    albert77 Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, you are stuck on the horns of a serious dilemma. The choices here, as I see it, are to either cave in and give him what he wants in order to maintain a relationship with him and his family, or be hard-nosed and more than likely lose him and his family.

    From the sound of it, it appears that he will NOT take kindly to any talk of self-help or repayment or any responsible stuff like that. It's all about him and what he wants, and fuck anyone else's feelings.

    Sorry, I don't really have any real advice, but maybe this tact will help you more clearly delineate the decision you have to make. I feel for you.
  5. 21

    21 Well-Known Member

    What?? Crossed Giblets already!?

    What Rosie said. But if you decide to help: 1) Pay directly to the creditor without the money passing through your brother's hands; 2) don't ever expect to be paid back; and 3), if you're trying to help the kids, pay directly for things for the kids...hockey equipment or dance lessons or a college account only you can access.

    And if you don't want to contribute, tell him you were just about to ask him for a loan, times are tough everywhere.

    I feel for you, I've been through this on several levels, including putting my mother's husband's deadbeat son's ex-wife's daughter through college....because i want to, not because someone guilted me into it. You'll meet her at Thanksgiving.

    Good luck, I know it's hard.
  6. Babyjay

    Babyjay Member

    Best thing you can do for those kids, as they grow older, is let them spend a lot of time with you and teach them about responsible spending and saving.
  7. MacDaddy

    MacDaddy Active Member

    He doesn't get it because he has no reason to — as long as you keep giving, he's going to keep taking. People don't change unless they have incentive to. Cut him off.
  8. micropolitan guy

    micropolitan guy Well-Known Member

    If you like being used again and again, give him the money. You're being blackmailed. What's that definition of insanity again?
  9. podunk press

    podunk press Active Member

    He's never going to learn fiscal responsibility if you keep giving him "loans."

    Cut him off. Tell him, point blank, that he needs to learn to navigate his own personal finances so he can be a positive example to his children.

    And if he gets pissed? Good. Then maybe he'll do something about it.

    My sister-in-law is freeloading off my in-laws right now. Graduated from college. No job. She just sits around doing nothing. Why? Because she is being enabled by the parents. Tough love is the best love sometimes.
  10. cjericho

    cjericho Well-Known Member

    since i have someone in my family who is a deadbeat/mooch i'll say cut him off now. Rosie summed it up nicely.

    that does suck for his kids, but help them out. get them nice clothes for birthdays, holidays, take them to games or movies or swimming, skating, snowboarding, whatever they do. Do not give the money to your brother, find a way to directly help out the kids.

    edit: also what 21 said. i didn't read everyone because i was pissed thinking about the person in my family. although i may disagree with helping pay off his credit, need to know more info than you probably should share. i would say it sounds like whatever you do for him will just be a temporary fix, but again obviously would need to know all details to make a judgement.
  11. SpeedTchr

    SpeedTchr Well-Known Member

    Tell him that this nation didn't become great by bailing out every...oh, wait...

    Seriously, unless it is to buy a new kidney for one of the kids, turn him down.
  12. Mizzougrad96

    Mizzougrad96 Active Member

    If you give him anything, I would buy things for his kids.

    I have no tolerance for anyone, family or otherwise, who feels a sense of entitlement or feels that everybody should help them out because they've hit hard times. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that 99 percent of the people on this board have had to work pretty hard for what little they have and just because someone has made the wrong choices doesn't mean you should feel any guilt about saying no.
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