What's the stupidist thing anyone's ever said to you? (Non-work version)

My mom is the sweetest woman on the planet, but she's where I get my absent-mindedness and lack of common sense from. This is the woman who still leaves messages for me to "pick up" if I'm there on my voice mail, and drags the mouse across the computer screen when she's trying to move the cursor.

Recently she asked me if "Walking Dead" was based on a true story.

Since I am my mother's daughter I'll share one of my shining moments. On a wine tour this summer, I got very tipsy very fast. We went to this gorgeous winery, Lamoreaux, and were already making fools of ourselves when my friend Fred asked me how to spell the name of the winery. My response was:

"M."

It's proabably one of those you-had-to-be-there things, but I'm not sure I've ever come so close to peeing my pants from sheer laughter.

M. I was positive I was on the right track with that one.

 

One thing I've never understood is why they have braille on the keypads of ATM machines, when the user is getting directions from a screen.

 

In your case, the recipes should all end with "Then explode."

 

"Do not eat mint, even if wafer thin."

 

He had the back half of the tongue, a little nub. I was actually impressed with how well he spoke.

 

"I will always love you."

Oh, wait.

My friend's older sister was a treasure trove of these things when we were in high school. One time she said she didn't need rear brakes because that's only for when you go in reverse. I can't remember the others.

 

Well, they did manage to drive up, afterall.

 

I haven't heard it done with a kid quite that young, but I have heard of women who have shaved their heads and when their hair grew back, it was a completely different thickness, texture, etc.


Also, there was one night where we went to the Dairy Queen and they were completely out of ice cream.

 

My friend's roomate is the biggest dumb ass I have ever met. Here are some of the things he has done and said.

1. While at a halloween party last year, the host offered me some food. I declined and said I had eaten wayyyy to much at the Ruby Tuesday Salad Bar before coming over. Being a creep, my friend's roomate was listening in on the conversation. Later that night, he walked up to her and said "I GET IT, YOU'RE DRESSED AS THE RUBY TUESDAY SALAD BAR!" She was actually dressed as a devil. He claims it was my fault because I was talking to her about Ruby Tuesday and the colors were the same. Apparently, he eats at salad bars that have devil horns. Even later that night he ended up banging aformentioned party host. I guess when he took off her Ruby Tuesday costume, she had pasties on her breasts. He asked her if she was born without tits. (She later told this to her roomate whom I was friends with).

More coming later...

 

I had a pretty nasty case of food poisoning over the weekend after eating some bad fish. My mother asked if she could come by on one day to drop off some of the Christmas gifts and I declined, telling her that I'm in no mood to entertain. I was laying on the couch, freezing cold, under two blankets, wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt.

She asked me if I had the heat on.

It's Dec. 19. It's 28 degrees outside. Of course I have the heat on.

 

My youth baseball team's bunting coach (yes, he was that much of a doofus) once told us:

"I only got five words to say to you guys: Think baseball and swing the bat."

 

My sister has dated some real rocket surgeons over the years. The biggest idiot of them all is actually the father of her son -- thankfully out of the picture altogether -- who we now just refer to as doorknob or sperm donor.

Anyways, she brought him home for Christmas one year. Now I have a pretty high tolerance for stupid questions regarding sports, but this one made m crack. He walks into the living room as my dad and I are watching some bowl game that didn't really matter. And out of nowhere he asks "so that guy throwing the ball, is that the quarterback?"