What's Going On With Chris Ivory ?

https://goo.gl/images/68IYmW

 

Ivory's fantasy status this morning on Yahoo: "Chris Ivory, who missed Week 1 with a vague medical condition, will need his health status confirmed prior to kickoff as he remained in the hospital early on in the practice week as the rest of the Jacksonville Jaguars prepare for a Week 2 game against the San Diego Chargers."

 

I clicked that with much trepidation.

 

Surprised that the hospital did not share the x rays with Adam Schefter

 

Oh, goddamn, LOL. That article actually says this:

Clinical presentation
Patients usually know that there is something in their rectum although are often at a loss as to how the object got there.

 

Absolute truth. I had a guy come in with a plastic cucumber up his butt complaining of constipation.

"Now how did that get in there?"

 

Hilarious scene in the stage play "Book of Mormon" where the guy who thought he was getting sent to mission in Orlando is instead sent to Uganda. At one point, after he had an altercation with a Ugandan gang, they had one of those X-rays that showed the Book of Mormon jammed up his ass.

 

Million to one shot, doc. Million to one.

 

"frozen pig's tail"

 

Did you see the "instant coffee jar"?

My god, I don't know how an ER doc would be able to keep a straight face while talking to the patient.

Good thing I am not a doctor.

 

An old favorite true x-ray story, my hand to God.

A twentysomething guy comes into our clinic with a through and through wound in his foot. The doc sends him around to x-ray to shoot it, mostly to be certain that there were no bits of metal or visible foreign matter in his foot. I've got his shoe off and I'm positioning his foot on the film.

"So how did you come to hurt yourself?"

"Well, some buddies and I were back by the creek shooting at tin cans. You know how some AK-47s have a folding spike bayonet?"

I nodded, and he said "Well, it was empty and I wanted to put it down, but there wasn't a tree to lean it against, and I didn't want to just lay it down and get sand and stuff in it, so I unfolded the bayonet and stuck it in the ground to stand, and I, well, I kinda stuck it through my own foot." I was holding a straight face, knowing something dumb had to be coming with that introduction, so I managed not to start laughing. I just asked "Was there alcohol involved?". He kinda twitched and said quickly "Well, I might have had a couple..." My answer was "Dude, I'm not a cop or anything, I was just curious how you managed it." He kinda grinned and we finished up and I sent him limping back around to his room.

I have this mental picture of him and his buddies about half in the bag when this guy spikes his own foot to the ground, starts yelling for help, and all his friends are too busy rolling on the ground laughing at his poor dumb drunk ass to come help pull it out.

Yeah, here's your sign, Bubba.

 

Yeah, that's the kind of patient where you get passing nurses, med students, drug reps and office clerks all standing around the light box, looking at the film and giggling, then sending their friends to go check it out. Tends to be a lot of noise in the hall right outside the patient's exam room till the Doctor comes and runs people off.