What the movies taught you about sports

Who owns the Chiefs.

 

that foreign players in the NBA need to be shown by coach Whoopie Goldberg how to take a charge

That if a kid finds a 20-30 year old pair of sneakers worn by Michael Jordan in the trash and they're in good condition and fit that he will magically play like MJ and get an NBA contract

that allowing a catcher with bad legs to attempt a suicide-squeeze with two outs in the bottom of the ninth inning will work, especially if he does a Babe Ruth imitation and calls a home run shot.

 

The position of owner-manager exists when the owner isn't old enough to shave.

That a pitcher who hates the owner-manager and refuses to try suddenly turns into Cy Young when he realizes what the free agent market value is for a pitcher that can't get anyone out.

 

The horse's name is Friday.

 

That there's such a thing as the Monon Line, and that the last thing you would ever want to happen is to have your ass personally hide-strapped to a pine rail and sent up it.

 

Unless they have flubber

 

That some guy named Who is a pretty good first baseman.

 

• A little bit is better than nada, even if you want the whole enchilada. A little bit is better than nada. A little bit, or nothing at all.

• Running the bases carrying your bat is only legal is you've just overcome a lifelong dependency on voodoo to smack a game-tying homer in a one-game playoff. Any other time, you're out.

• If you get sacked by Manumana the Slender, he's gonna do his "I'm gonna go out and get some poi" dance.

• Supermodels-turned-college-soccer-players make excellent placekickers.

• Never bet money that you don't have on a dog race with an ex-girlfriend who happens to be a stripper.

 

Some of us had to learn that one the hard way.

 

Tell me about it.

 

Don't play cards with these guys...

 

If you make a bat out of wood from a tree felled by lightning, you can hit home runs in the majors despite a lengthy layoff.