What the movies taught you about sports

That you can breathe through your eyelids.

 

That the last plays in football games always occur in slow motion.

 

That with Popowski's Hardware taking over the field in 15 minutes, a squeeze play is the best way to end a softball game

 

That hockey writers like to "try to capture the spirit of the thing" when writing gamers.

 

Football players can not be tackled unless they are hit so hard they flip, helicopter or twist through the air.

If they are not hit that hard, they will bounce off as many as nine tacklers without breaking stride, juke a 10th and outrun the 11th.

 

That the best way to have an officially sanctioned strip football game between sororities is to get incriminating photos of the dean.

 

That you can take apologies and trophies and shove them up your ass.

 

And that players are "listening to the fucking song!" when the national anthem is played.

 

That Leigh Steinberg isn't a despicable back-stabbing drunk-ass pig.

 

That Tony Danza is Cy Young reincarnated.

 

There's no ...

... crying in baseball.