What, no G.I. Joe thread?

So is this ... GI Joe is swimming in the wa-TER

 

A million dollars to the writer who can tie in this skit, and specifically, the part where someone is holding a piece of shit, into his review.

 

I'd pitch in a couple bucks to make that happen.

Call it a million and two dollars.

 

My 7-year-old wants to see it. I think I'll send him with his mother . . . let her sit through it.

 

I'm a huge Joe fan. Huge. I have over 100 issues of the Marvel comic series. The entire Devils Due run. Some leftover G.I. Joe figures from the 80s. Even bought a few of the phenomenal 25th anniversary figures recently.
And if I see this movie, it'll either be at a matinee or when it comes on cable. The trailers and the comic adaptation aren't as shitty as I first feared. But it seems like they still took too many liberties with the source material.
Cobra Commander as a burn victim? What's wrong with the psychotic used car salesman who wears a hood or a metal faceplate? In the hands of a good actor, that part could be gold.
I like Christopher Eccleston as Destro. He gets some geek cred from Dr. Who and Heroes. Plus he's Scottish. They got that one right.
I can even excuse the metal-eating warheads that are the focus of the plot. G.I. Joe has always mixed in some sci-fi elements that were maybe 20 or 30 years ahead of their time (cloning, android troopers, etc.).
But Marlon Wayans as Ripcord? Fail.
A multinational task force instead of the best of the best of the best from the U.S. armed forces? Fail.
Accelerator suits? Fail on an epic level.
It's sad, because this movie idea, of all the revived 80s properties, might have the most potential to be updated for a modern audience. Cobra Commander is a great villain. Destro is a great villain. There's potential there, and it's wasted in the name of blowing shit up and catering to 7-year-olds.

 

Fucking solid.

 

I agree with everything Batman said.

 

The accelerator suits are what killed it for me. I had gotten over my disgust at the casting of Marlon Wayans as anything. I could even handle the international task force thing. But the accelerator suits are just plain stupid.

If they had chosen to make a movie for adults, G.I. Joe had tremendous potential. It sounds like this was a wasted opportunity.

I have mentioned this before and I will suggest it again. If you are a fan of G.I. Joe comics or the old cartoon, skip the live-action movie and watch this instead.

It is a direct to Cartoon Network animated movie called G.I. Joe: Resolute. First aired in April and you can still watch it in pieces on YouTube. More blood in the first two minutes than the entire run of the old cartoon and a fantastic fight between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. Written by Warren Ellis. It's what I wish the live-action movie had aspired to be.

 

I was in my local comic shop today, talking about this cinematic abortion, and they mentioned Resolute. I saw a few minutes of it when it first aired, but it was on late at night and I was tired. I definitely need to check it out.

 

I'm more angry that they cast a no-talent hack pretty boy like Channing Tatum in any role.

 

It's weird on the accelerator suits. Like I said, the Joe comics always mixed in some sci-fi stuff that was out there at the time yet has come true (or seems to be on the way) in the near future. And two of the key things in this movie, nanomites and the accelerator suits, seem to fit that theme. I can totally see our soldiers using those or something similar in, say, 2030.
Yet they just scream "FAIL!" to me. I can accept android troopers and a clone that was mixed together like pouring different flavors of soda into a Big Gulp, but I can't accept something that's probably on the drawing board of some arms manufacturer. That's weird.

 

To me, that's when the original comic began to lose it's way -- Serpentor. From there it was crap like Battleforce 2000 or whatever the hell they called it. High-tech tanks and such were one thing, but all the cloning crap just got out of hand.