What I learned today ... people with genital herpes like to ride bikes

If Valtrex commercials have taught me anything, it's that people with genital herpes like to ride bikes ... a lot.

Seems to me that people with genital herpes are the most annoying, nouveau Yuppies imaginable.

What you see ...

• See the genital herpes sufferers ride bikes through a sun-drenched Cape Cod tableau!
• See the genital herpes sufferers go fishing in a Thoreau-ish idyllic pond!
• See the genital herpes sufferers have a jaunty trek through the country on a hayride!
• See the genital herpes sufferers embrace the kind of loving embrace that only genital herpes suffer can possibly ever know!
• And most important in some cases, see the genital herpes sufferer avoid passing his/her affliction on to their significant other!

What you don't see ...

• See the genital herpes sufferer get off his Trek somewhere in Cape Cod and scream to all that will hear, "FUCK! This god damn banana seat is chafing the shit out of my sores! Why do I ride these bikes so damn much!"
• See the genital herpes sufferer remark during his fishing spell, "You know, honey, that brownish water is the same color as my discharge this morning."
• See the genital herpes sufferer lash out at someone on the hayride when they remark that the hay is making them itch. "Fuck you and you're mocking bullshit! Why are you picking on me! Tell you what ... use that hay as a thong and you'll know how I feel everyday. It's like a freaking horse is about to feed on hay on a plate made of my herpes-riddled nads! My privates have biblical plague-like issues, so shut the fuck up!
• See the genital herpes sufferer stand over the can for 30 minutes, with the payoff being urination that feels like 1,000 bee stings in the most sensitive area of their body.
• See the genital herpes sufferer cry himself to sleep every night upon the realization that preventing his mate from getting genital herpes means no oral sex ... forever.
  
  Genital herpes dude: C'mon baby, how 'bout just one blow? It can't be any worse than a canker sore? Right?
  Non-genital herpes girlfriend: Fuck you. My mouth isn't getting within a foot of your disease-laden crotch you cheating fucker!
  And stop calling it your 'pleasure zone'. If someone's pleasure is to wrap their mouth around the Typhoid Mary of cocks complete with a vague aftertaste of creamy medicine, then you've met the wrong woman.
  Genital herpes dude: CHRIST ALMIGHTY! I'm in the seventh circle of blow job hell!

 

Bubbler, making an early push for post of the year! That's some seriously funny shit.

But you forgot to add all the stupid disclaimers that the guy reads in one breathless, uhh, breath.

Do not take happy fun herpes pill while sleeping or awake. Do not take happy fun herpes pill before or after eating. Side effects of happy fun herpes pill include dry mouth, unrelenting thirst, loss of appetite, unrelenting hunger, itchy skin, skin that does not itch, drowsiness, insomnia, rapid heartbeat, heart attack, random secretions of bodily fluid from every orifice, stroke and spontaneous combustion.

Then cue up a shot of the couple riding a bike. Awwww!!

 

Meh. Posts from January are like movie releases in January. Ain't no way they're ever winning post of the year.

I think my Stuart Scott close-captioning post from last year was one of the few decent ones I had, but I knew damn well it wasn't making the cut.

 

Herpatoids on bikes are the commercial equivalent of Hair Club for Men members swimming or Martha Raye chomping into an ear of corn while pimping Polident.

 

I do not have genital herpes.

 

Yet.

 

Never.

 

I often wonder how the call goes from the actor's agent:

"Hey, man, I have this great part for you."

"Cool. I haven't worked for 478 days now."

"Yeah, it's for this great commercial with this attractive lady."

"What's the product?"

"You'll be riding bikes under the sunrise."

"So it's a bike?"

"No, it's for a drug to treat genital herpes."

"What?"

"Yeah, it's a great role."

 

Ida, I thought you knew better than to say NEVER!

 

You don't know my wife, or me, very well then.

 

Touche!

 

Yeah I do. Well, her, anyway.