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What have I gotten myself into?

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by pressboxer, Jun 15, 2008.

  1. pressboxer

    pressboxer Active Member

    Little brother is getting married next weekend and I have the honor of being best man. The wedding is supposed to be small (one attendant each; I have no clue on how many guests), short and sweet. Dress is reportedly informal (I bought a navy blue suit of the rack at JCP the other day that allegedly matches the groom's).

    A little background: He's 41, works for a gas pipeline company and, to the best of my knowledge, hadn't been in a relationship since high school before meeting this lady. She's mid-30s and is a high school swim coach. They were set up by the bride's college roomate, who will serve as matron of honor and is married to a guy my brother has run around with since junior high.

    The proposal was made (and accepted, I understand) on Christmas Day. My brother finally thought to ask me to stand up with him some time in late January. My participation since has been limited to looking at a few photos from showers and other gatherings.

    It should be mentioned affair will have an extremely rural flavor. Both families have several generations of farmers. The wedding will take place in a town of about 2,500 and few of the participants live in places with more than 10,000 residents. One of my brother's great joys is that the bride is allowing him to have the rehearsal dinner at a joint best known for its all-you-can-eat chicken fried steak night (which really is worth the trip).

    I can easily see this shindig winding up on My Big, Fat Redneck Wedding in the coming months.

    The last time I was involved in a wedding on any level was 20 years ago (usher for my sister's) and I haven't been in on any of the pre-wedding events this time. When the engagement was announced, my brother and I lived more than 300 miles apart, and a recent job change hasn't improved my availability (I had to miss a soiree a few weeks ago when a high school playoff series went to the if-necessary game).

    Basically, I'm flying blind on what I'm supposed to to other than be at the church on time with a sober groom. Repeated viewings of Wedding Crashers hasn't helped.

    Oh, yeah, I also have until the end of the month to get moved 170 miles after switching jobs, but that's another story.

    This is what I found online:

    The Best Man's responsibilities include

    Make absolutely sure that the groom has the marriage license with him. (gotta do that)

    Receive the minister's fee from the groom and give it to the minister privately following the ceremony. (gotta do that)

    Help the groom pack for his honeymoon. (honeymoon is at a lake maybe an hour from the church; shorts, t-shirts, flip-flops and SPF 45 will make up most of the trousseau)

    Help the groom dress for the ceremony. (he's a big boy, he can dress his own self; I, meanwhile, may need help with a four-in-hand)

    If a ring bearer is to be in the wedding, the Best Man is responsible to oversee the child and be sure he understands his duties. (See note below; this is gonna be fun)

    Assist with luggage arrangements for both the bride and the groom so that everything will be ready for their departure. (they're taking a travel trailer to the lake; I'll just toss the bags inside)

    Make sure car or travel arrangements are set and that the groom is carrying any necessary reservations, tickets, money and travelers checks. (if they get lost, they can just park the trailer and camp right there)

    The Best Man will want to ride to the church with the groom. (my two-seat convertible or his pickemup truck?)

    It is the Best Man's responsibility to make sure the ushers are together and ready before the ceremony begins. Many weddings have been delayed by dilly dallying ushers who are either cutting up to relieve the tension they feel or are out having the last quick puff on a cigarette. (two ushers, both smokers, but it shouldn't be too much trouble; they're both married to friends of the bride who are in the wedding party)

    Alert ushers as to the ladies who will be wearing flowers and make sure they are not seated before receiving them. (the matron of honor is supposed to tell me who they are)

    Check all the men's boutonnieres. These should always be worn on the left lapel, stem down. (I think we can handle it, but we are talkin' about rednecks here)

    Perform any task or errand the groom or the bride's mother may request at the church. (one can only imagine)

    If applicable, remind the groom to remove his gloves as the bride comes down the aisle. (and to spit out his snuff)

    Be first at the reception in order to welcome the bride and groom. (I don't even know where the reception is)

    The Best Man is responsible to make the first toast to the bride and groom at the wedding. The Best Man is also responsible to make the first toast at the rehearsal dinner. (over the lips, past the gums …)

    The Best Man should act as a host, making introductions when necessary and helping to make the guests feel welcome. (I know no one from the bride's side; in fact, I've only met her twice and one of those was earlier today)

    The Best Man should dance at the reception with the bride, both mothers and as many of the bridal attendants and guest as possible. (are you allowed to dance at a Baptist wedding?)

    Help the groom change into his travel clothes after the reception. Find out when the bride is ready to leave and with the maid/matron of honors, help the bride and groom depart. (see above for dressing the groom; as for the second part, if you say so)

    Return the groom's tuxedo to the tux shop or if it belongs to the groom, be responsible for taking it to the cleaners. (no tux; Haggar)

    Order flowers for the bride and groom's room at the first stop of the honeymoon trip. (I don't even know where they're going that night; maybe they can pick some wildflowers after they park the trailer)

    Another responsibility of the Best Man may include the signing of the marriage certificate. This is not only a legal document but also a beautiful keepsake for the couple. Many times, the Best Man is not aware that his signature may be required and he may be off with the guests. (gotta check on that; I do not want to be responsible for the whole thing being invalid)

    Note about ring bearer: The Best Man has the responsibility of carrying the bride's wedding ring. However, many times the couple will also want to have a ring bearer. We recommend that the "real" ring be kept safe in the pocket of the Best Man. Why? Just remember the boy with stage fright who never made it down the aisle … or even better, the ring bearer who argued with the Best Man when he tried to remove the ring and then cried his eyes out when the Best Man took it away. (Here's where it gets fun. The bride's 18-month-old nephew is ring bearer and his twin sister is flower girl. My 9-year-old Aussie nephew has been given the position of usher to ring bearer and flower girl. I think I'd better have the real ring in my pocket.)
  2. slappy4428

    slappy4428 Active Member

    It's a rural wedding. Buy or deleagte someone to buy the booze for the dollar dance...
  3. Bubbler

    Bubbler Well-Known Member

    Get in a brawl -- or if need be, shoot someone -- over a dog. I heard that's what happens at rural weddings.

    Short of that, just get everyone hammered.
  4. Just_An_SID

    Just_An_SID Active Member

    You can do the "Return The House Key" ceremony. That's always a winner.
  5. Baron Scicluna

    Baron Scicluna Well-Known Member

    Damn, beat me to it.

    I would say don't forget to remind the groom to pack a toothbrush, but then again, it's a rural wedding. ;D
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