Wedding Etiquette Dilemna

When I got married last year we had a really small wedding and reception. No dates unless you were married. No kids under 18.

The reception (held three months later) was another deal. Free for all, anyone who wanted to come could.

Another question, how do you deal with it when you significant other is in the wedding party and you don't know anyone else? This happened to me last summer, and I thought it was quite rude. Dr. J was sitting at the bridal table, and I was stuck with a bunch of old folks.

I sat there for over two hours fidgeting. Is there anyway around this?

 

Cadet, I've known a lot of guys pretty well in my life, and none has ever expressed any thoughts about wedding planning except the following:

1. Why the fuck does her brother stand on my side while my good buddy that flew in from out of town is an usher?
2. There better be an open bar.
3. I'm really only an extra in this production, but I love her so I'll say my lines and stay cool at least until the old people leave the reception.

Weddings are for brides. In the worst cases, weddings are for mothers of brides. Weddings ain't got much to do with guys. We just show up.

And before anyone gets all upset, I'm not saying I don't have friends who were moved to tears on their wedding day or genuinely refer to it as the best day of their lives. It's just that as far as the hoopla goes, we're an accesory. Which, as someone already said, is generally fine with us.

 

My evidence is entirely anecdotal, but relevant.

When my last BF proposed (after I gave him the whole "marriage is an evil tool of patriarchy" lecture and told him not to propose), I went along with it because I knew he had the marriage fantasy.

My first thought: Vegas.

His first thought: Huge church wedding (neither of us is religious) in his hometown (not mine) with 500 of our closest family and friends. Big frilly dress, huge wedding party, giant cake, limos, the works.

My second thought: Secluded beach wedding with only immediate family.

His second thought: Huge church wedding (neither of us is religious) in his hometown (not mine) with 500 of our closest family and friends. Big frilly dress, huge wedding party, giant cake, limos, the works.

These things were non-negotiable. This boy not only had a marriage timeline (had to happen by 30), but a wedding fantasy straight out of a magazine. This was among the many reasons we broke up.

Now before you all start chiding me on my taste in men, he is not the first that I dated to have such a wedding fantasy built up in his head. My own brother also had a wedding fantasy, though not to the extent his fiance did, that he wanted to have. Men are more than just role players these days.

 

I've been to a few beach weddings and they're great. Add in a few close friends to the guest list and that's about the only wedding I'm doing.

 

I think you should stop trying to marry metrosexuals, but that's just me.

Seriously, I don't know one guy who wouldn't have gone along with either of your proposals. Most of my friends would have eloped in a second, and the rest probably only would have wanted parents, siblings and some close friends there.

I've had two buddies pick the wedding party -- say five groomsmen and five bridesmaids -- and take them and both sets of parents to Jamaica for the weekend for the wedding. Then you have a reception at home a week or so later, everybody you know gets drunk on you, you collect your waffle iron and be done with it.

 

Maybe not fantasies, but yeah, I was the one who really wanted the big wedding, for many reasons. And thanks to some fortuitous luck, we had th funds to allow her to admit and pursue some of the things she had never allowed herself to dream of before due to the cost.

Wouldn't change a thing, except maybe I may have "forgotten" to invite a relative or two.

 

Yes. Talk to the old folks.

 

Or stay home.

Seriously, if your s/o is in the wedding party and you don't know a soul, what's the attraction--other than a free meal?

 

Me and Mrs. W. just passed the five year mark and I still have nightmares about the wedding planning. She wanted the big, black-tie, fancy NYC hotel Saturday night wedding, and since her parents had been saving for it since she was born (seriously), we did it. I spent so much time on stupid crap and stupid fights that eloping looked like a good idea. I chose the band, the honeymoon and the booze -- all of which were great. Together, we chose the location. Otherwise, Mrs. W. decided whether she wanted my input, and, if she did, presented me with a couple of final options.

The wedding was awesome, even if I got a combined 8 hours of sleep the three nights before due to work and other stuff.

We went with a simple rule for significant others -- all spouses, fiances and co-habitants of guests were invited. If you didn't fall into that group, we only invited those boyfriends or girlfriends who we had met.

We had a big headache because we had way too many people who had to be invited, and too many of them accepted. As a result, a number of our friends who we got to know in the couple of years before the wedding ended up not making the cut.

 

this is an interesting perspective. five years after you're married, think of how many of the friends who were there would make the cut again. been married for 18 years now. my wife hasn't seen or spoken to her maid of honor or one of her brides maids in about 15 years!! and more acquantance-type friends who weren't invited have since become close friends.

moral of story: your circle of friends is always a work in progress. keep your cool. it's just one day in your life. 8) 8) 8)

 

I understand there's still that macho mentality among most guys (although I've never been "most guys"), but caring about your wedding day doesn't make you a metrosexual. Most of the guys you know don't give a flip about their wedding? Makes you wonder if they really care about the marriage, too.
Big wedding doesn't equal good marriage, but not giving a crap about your wedding can certainly lead to not caring about your marriage.

It's supposed to be a partnership, and the man should definitely be involved, whether the bride seeks your input or not. It's his wedding, too.

 

allen --
I'm not saying they don't care about their marriages, or even their weddings as an abstract concept.

When it comes to the actual planning and execution of the ceremony, however, most grooms are bit characters at best. Weddings are for brides, and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.

But to suggest men are equal participants in marriage ceremonies is silly on its face.