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Virgin Tales — Chapter 8

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by JayFarrar, Feb 28, 2009.

  1. JayFarrar

    JayFarrar Well-Known Member

    Chapter 8 — Like a (not quite) virgin

    As usual, search the archives if you want to read the previous installments.
    And now, the long-delayed, much-anticipated Chapter 8 to Virgin Tales, the now 8-month long mostly true dramedy that is my life, enjoy. I’ve been saving this up for my 5000th post, so please enjoy the fruit of the new fullness of my member.
    — J​

    Heart On The Ground is playing on last.fm as I type this. For those not familiar it is one of the real Jay Farrar’s better songs and from the album Terroir Blues.
    This all started as a way for me to cope with the unfamiliar, but the last few months have been anything but.
    For those who haven’t searched the archives or recall the details, I was setup on a blind date with a perfectly lovely 34-year old virgin.
    Not being a virgin myself, despite some of my more nerdish ways, I was a little freaked.
    I got over it.
    Along the way, she had freak accident and shattered her kneecap. Two surgeries and some extremely painful (but occasionally quite fun) physical therapy later, she can now bend the injured knee to 124 degrees, her good knee bends to 125 degrees.
    She’s not a virgin anymore either.
    The first attempt was hilariously sad, but it has since gone better.
    The first time, as told in the kabuki theater style, I’m so often prone to.
    The setup, it was just a normal early November night at her place and I’ll fast forward to relevant bit.
    Her: That feels good.
    Me: It should.
    Her: No that feels really good.
    Me: Umm, thanks.
    Her: Wait, stop.
    Me: Umm, okay.
    Her: In the rush, did you put on a cover?
    Me: Condom?
    Her: Yeah, that.
    Me: Uhh ……
    Her: Yeah, we’re done with that
    Me: In my defense, I really haven’t had a reason to buy them.
    Her: You better not have.
    Me: You know, if you run the math. The chances of you getting pregnant on the first time are pretty slim.
    Her: I don’t know about that.
    Me: C’mon. Who do you know got pregnant the first time they had sex?
    Her: … My mom.
    Me: What?
    Her: My brother was born exactly nine months and one day after my parents got married.
    Me: Holy fuck.
    Her: So don’t say it can’t happen.

    Did You Know?
    One of the most excellent stretches for someone who had knee surgery is to get in bed, get on both knees, spread their legs, rock back and forth and move up and down in a piston-like fashion. It is crucial to have another person there, to provide physical support since the person doing the stretch may be off balance and having a body handy to both hands for support is good.
    Ask any physical therapist or orthopedic surgeon.

    One of the big ones
    It seemed like a good idea at the time.
    It was the first Valentine’s Day we had together and I wanted to make it a good one.
    But with Valentine’s falling on a Saturday, all my good ideas fell to the wayside.
    So on the Sunday before Valentine’s I went to Target, bought six small gifts of candy and one pakanabs for the holiday. I also bought a kit that would make eight cards. I went back, and got all crafty. I made seven cards, one for each day and called it seven days of Valentine’s.
    I found seven Christmas gift bags and loaded them up.
    And she got a present for each day.
    Then on Valentine’s, she got breakfast in bed. Then we went shopping to the various girly stores. Williams-Sonoma, Pottery Barn, The Container Store (they sell containers!) and she got signed up for cooking classes at Williams-Sonoma. Then it was off to P.F. Chang’s, her favoritest eating joint. Then the mall to get our pictures made in the photo booth and then off to different car lots since she’s about to do her part to help the American economy.
    A quick stop at the cupcake shop, and then with a couple of sweet treats in hand, it was off to the watch the sunset as it reflected off the river.
    So what seemed like a good idea, turned out to be a series of great ideas.

    Three dimensions of suck
    The only time I don’t sleep at her place is when she has family in town. Last night was one of those nights.
    Some inexplicably popular home, maybe garden thing is going on in town.
    Her youngest niece was with her parents; it also happened that the last day of physical therapy was yesterday as well. My hope is the home stretching continues, anyway, it was a celebration.
    And after we took the niece to watch the Jonas Brothers, in three dimensions.
    Not my first choice, and after an hour and a half, I can report with a great degree of certainty that I won’t be purchasing any Jonas Brothers CDs. But, I actually think the youngest one has some musical talent. It might be interesting to see how that career develops.

    Panera Bread — Stuff White People Like
    I write this chapter at Panera Bread, a place that only white people eat at. In two plus hours, the only people of color here are the ones working behind the counter as an endless stream of white people in their North Face jackets (the ones only white people wear) stroll in after parking their Volvos and Audis (the cars that only white people drive) in the lot.
    The home, maybe garden, show is still ongoing and I wonder about my future.
    Marriage seems like a safe bet. Barring incident or sudden elopement, I can see a Fall wedding in my future.
  2. three_bags_full

    three_bags_full Well-Known Member

  3. luckyducky

    luckyducky Guest

    Doesn't even begin to explain.
  4. kokane_muthashed

    kokane_muthashed Active Member

    Congrats, Jay!!!

    I know this has been covered before but what is a "pakanab?" I forget.
  5. zeke12

    zeke12 Guest

    As much as I don't want to give an engagement tale the pancake bunny...
  6. three_bags_full

    three_bags_full Well-Known Member

    A pack of Nabisco crackers, kokane.
  7. jlee

    jlee Active Member

    I've only read the original post in the series and this. My mind is trying to fill the blanks in the most fantastic way.
  8. Double Down

    Double Down Well-Known Member

    "Yours is the earth and everything that is in it; And -- which is more -- you'll be a man, my son."

    There is a book in here somewhere, if ye be so bold.

    Congrats, Jay. I am up for road-tripping this wedding if someone will be my wingman.

    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 15, 2014
  9. KYSportsWriter

    KYSportsWriter Well-Known Member

    I'm in.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 15, 2014
  10. waterytart

    waterytart Active Member

    Jay, I'm really happy for you. But I'm even happier for her. ;)
  11. Bravo. Well done, sir.
  12. dooley_womack1

    dooley_womack1 Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure what will come next: finding out she's his neighbor, or finding out she works in HR.

    (Sorry, couldn't resist)
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