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Virgin Tales — Chapter 2

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by JayFarrar, Aug 27, 2008.

  1. JayFarrar

    JayFarrar Well-Known Member

    Back by popular demand, Virgin Tales, the ever-growing tale of me dating a virgin and thanks to a torrent of PMs, okay one, here's chapter 2.
    For background, look for the other threads. I'm much too lazy to pull them.
    For the purposes of the story the virgin shall named be Laurie, which is not her real name. I got a dollar for anyone who figures out the connection between my handle and a Laurie.
    When last we spoke, it was Chapter 2 — The Airing of Dirty Laundry
    Here we go.

    So after an evening of making out, seriously, virgins like to kiss for days, we were talking about relationships past and how things went.
    "I have a confession," I said. "Where you went to school, that was a place where my school partied and I had a one-night stand with a girl at your school. I think she was in your sorority."
    "Umm, yeah, like, I was at this party and I was talking to this girl and after a little bit I ended up back at her room in the sorority house. I think it was yours. She would have been a little bit older than you, but you would have been enrolled then."
    What year?
    "I think it was '93."
    What was her name?
    "Umm, I don't remember, but if I see her, I think I'll recognize her."
    Let me get the yearbook.
    So the question is now, how keeps their college yearbooks? But at this point, it was time for a joke.
    So a couple of the yearbooks were fetched and pages were turned.
    "Did ya'll do a composite?"
    Nope. Let's go through the class pictures.
    So more pages are flipped, this being the senior class. And we get to the Es, and there she was. My 1993 one-night stand and the question was popped.
    Is this the girl?
    "Umm, yeah that's her."
    Okay, she fucked everybody but she wasn't in my sorority. She was in another one.
    How do you not remember her name?
    "It was 15 years ago and it was just one night. I talked to her one more time, but that was all. It wasn't anything special."
    I think she's a lawyer now. She was very snooty then and is worse now.
    "It was an interesting night when we got together. My friends still talk about it."
    "Okay, we were all in the same fraternity in college. And we all liked to eat at Wendy's then. They had this freshtasticks food bar thing and the dessert was this strawberry-banana mix. Well I spilled some on my shirt and I had this big red stain. I was being mocked and I told them all that night that I was going to be the one to hookup and that they wouldn't be."
    Umm, okay.
    "So we are at the party and I was standing near the DJ, and so was the girl. So Blister in the Sun came on by the Violet Femmes. It was '93 and I was singing and bopping along and the girl comes up and asks 'you know this song?' Hells yeah, I love the Violet Femmes [ed: To this day that's my only little bit of info on that band.] 'That is so cool. Most guys have no idea.' I'm not most guys."
    That is so cheesy.
    "Well it worked. After some more yakkity yakking about college, we went outside and started making out. Remember I was pretty drunk and she asked if I could drive. Hells yeah. So we loaded up in her car and swerved home. And can I yadda yadda yadda through the rest?"
    Then it came time to Laurie to share.
    Her boyfriend history is certainly not complicated. She's seriously dated, and I can't define seriously dated amongst the virgins, two guys. One was slightly older and in divinity school at the time. The next was a few years after and he turned out to be the gay.
    The voice in my head kept asking to say why a guy who wasn't interested in sexual relations with a woman would be interested in dating a virgin, who wasn't giving it up until marriage, but my internal editor made a rare appearance and I kept my mouth shut.
    The thing about all this is that she's way more into me, than I am into her.
    But then came the answer I wasn't expecting.
    So aren't you just one big ball of sexual tension?
    "No, not really," Laurie said. "I masturbate. I masturbate a lot."
    "Oh yeah, all the time. I'll masturbate as soon as you leave. I have to. If I didn't, I'd go bonkers."
    Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose?
    "Nope and you understand that sex is more than just intercourse. You got lots to do that doesn't involve that."
    Whoa. Umm, when?
    "Patience. You don't round all the bases every-time you get a hit in baseball. Sometimes you get to first, and sometimes you go further."
    Whoa, wait what does that mean.
    "Stick around, you'll find out sooner or later."

    Le fin
    Coming soon, Chapter 3 — The art of buying flowers
    Synopsis: Lots of choices at the flower stand. The colors mean different things. News to me.
  2. Moderator1

    Moderator1 Moderator Staff Member

    Buy blue.
  3. Ace

    Ace Well-Known Member

    I'm disappointed that the discussion didn't veer to SportsJournalists.com when masterbation came up.
  4. Diabeetus

    Diabeetus Active Member

    This really is the workings of a sitcom...
  5. pallister

    pallister Guest

    Stirratt (sp?), as in John. Where's my buck?
  6. dixiehack

    dixiehack Well-Known Member

    I know this isn't the inspiration for "Laurie" but it was the first one that popped to mind.

  7. Inky_Wretch

    Inky_Wretch Well-Known Member

    I'm just proud you didn't ask "Can I watch?"
  8. mike311gd

    mike311gd Active Member

    Way to be, Jay.

    (I said BJ.)
  9. Grimace

    Grimace Guest

    Well at least we know she is sexual -- in a way. It's not that she's devoid of any kind of sexual impulse, which would be a major problem.

    But. . .if anything other than sexual intercourse is not sex, well, the mind boggles at the possibilities.

    Also, props for not saying, "Hey I masterbate all the time, too! See how much we have in common!?"
  10. mike311gd

    mike311gd Active Member

    "But you probably can't tell, though, because I shave my palms."
  11. slappy4428

    slappy4428 Active Member

    See, jay? There's hope for cunning linguists like you after all.
  12. JayFarrar

    JayFarrar Well-Known Member

    PM me your address. A crisp one dollar bill will be in the mail.
    Kudos for knowing the family tree. Blue Mountain was terrific when I saw them live a couple three months back.
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