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Virgin tales — Chapter 1

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by JayFarrar, Aug 18, 2008.

  1. JayFarrar

    JayFarrar Well-Known Member

    As some already know, I’m dating a virgin.
    There’s a thread, go find it if you want some background.
    But this tale has nothing to do with that.
    So, because of some crazy work things that happened last week, I was over for dinner at her place and fell asleep. She took pity on me and didn’t wake me up until the morning.
    She said, “sleep as late as you want, lock the door when you leave. I left a key.”
    So that’s what I did Thursday morning.
    She went out of town Friday for the weekend and I thought that I would do something nice for her, and make dinner when she got back into town on Sunday.
    So, I was shopping for some things, and decided I would also bake cupcakes. I even bought a cupcake decorating kit. Six shakers of candy things.
    Sunday rolls around. I decide to surprise her with dinner. My plan is to make this vertical stack dish. Batter fried eggplant slices with layers of cheese and chicken.
    You build the stack on a bed of pasta, and then pour the sauce down like a volcano.
    I’m cooking on her stove, electric, and it got really hot. Like really hot.
    The second batch of eggplant starts to burn and smoke.
    I was like crap, and I move the skillet off the burner.
    Bad idea.
    This splashes some grease unto the burner.
    And I got a grease fire going.
    I go to put a lid on the pan, and that just splashes out more grease. And I get more fire.
    It is becoming a really bad scene, really quick.
    I need some baking soda, but that’s above the stove and that’s become a little towering inferno and I can’t get to it.
    I decide that I need a fire extinguisher. And I remember that her neighbor, for some reason, has one on the porch.
    I run out, grab it and come back into the kitchen that is now full of this thick black smoke.
    The pin is pulled — grenade! — and I give the pan a shot, then another for good measure.
    Has anyone ever used a fire extinguisher? It makes an unholy mess, but, on the flipside, much better than a house fire.
    So I then assess the damage. The pan is fine. The stove is fine. The plastic cover on the light over the stove, not fine. I think that was the cause of the black smoke.
    Wall behind the stove, not fine. Soot and smoke damage.
    The cabinets are covered with this fine yellow dust from the extinguisher.
    I get to cleaning. I open up all the windows and doors to ventilate the house. Light a girlie candle in the living room to help with the smell.
    I wipe everything down. Try to clean the wall to the best of my abilities and get the kitchen back into serviceable order.
    To my man eyes, with the exception of the wall, everything looks normal.
    By the time she gets in. The smell is gone —girlie candles are powerful things — the kitchen is clean and all is well.
    Dinner is nearly ready. With the eggplant down the disposal. I booted. Dumped the chicken into the sauce, mixed in the ricotta and served over pasta.
    Dinner is fine, the great tower of cupcakes, which I had hidden in the laundry room, are a hit and all is well.
    Sitting on the couch, I’m basking in the glow of a job well done and she goes, “what’s in your mouth?” She wasn’t talking to me, she was talking to her dog, and it was playing with the fire extinguisher pin that I had dropped hours before in a frantic effort to keep her home from going up in flames.
    Since all good relationships are built on honesty — I keed, I keed — I lied my ass off.
    That’s something I found on the street. The stuff on the wall, I was cooking and had a little flare grease fire, like on Iron Chef, but while they do it intentionally, I had not.
    I throw out some more blah, blah, blahs.
    She seemed perplexed, but satisfied with my answers.
    The cupcakes really, really helped my cause.
    What girl wouldn’t like 18 custom-made cupcakes?

    Le Fin.

    Coming later, Chapter 2 — The Airing of Dirty Laundry
    Synopsis: So, when I was in college. I went to a party at your school and I had a one-night stand with one of your sorority sisters.
  2. BYH

    BYH Active Member

    Holy fuckin shit. That was awesome.

    Jay is Bubbler's long-lost, less profane brother, I think.
  3. Dyno

    Dyno Well-Known Member

    Wow. That was some story.
  4. dixiehack

    dixiehack Well-Known Member

    I would so pick this up for 13 episodes.
  5. zeke12

    zeke12 Guest

    Bla, blah, blah, fire and cupcakes.

    There, I saved you 10 boring, boobless minutes. :D
  6. Inky_Wretch

    Inky_Wretch Well-Known Member

    Bra-freaking-vo, Jay.

    Please sign me up for a subscription to your newsletter.
  7. Oggiedoggie

    Oggiedoggie Well-Known Member


    You almost burn down her kitchen and then you lie about.

    Half way to first base!
  8. expendable

    expendable Well-Known Member

    Fucking awesome. Nothing wrong with fire and cupcakes.

    We need to start a pool on when the deflowering happens.
  9. kokane_muthashed

    kokane_muthashed Active Member

    All those words and you still haven't played "Just the Tip" yet?
  10. Ace

    Ace Well-Known Member

    Imagine how Jay would act if he's pussy whipped.
  11. PeteyPirate

    PeteyPirate Guest

    You'll also get other favorites, like "Trust Me, That's not my Penis" and "Don't Feel Guilty, my Balls are always Blue"
  12. Captain_Kirk

    Captain_Kirk Well-Known Member

    Wow. Dude starts a relationship at absolute point zero, and immediately manages to go backwards into negative territory at the very start by nearly setting her house on fire. This does have potential: I'm just not sure if it's the heartwarming, romantic type or the action packed, train wreck variety.
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