Versatile's Power Rankings

Since he apparently has a shitload of power-ranking lists, I thought it would be nice to have one place where we could more easily keep track of them.

Versatile's How To Spend a Friday Night Power Rankings:
1. Touching himself.
2. Drinking beer.
3. Drinking scotch.
4. Gently sobbing.
5. Everything else.

 

6. Not watching Love, Actually.
7. Falling asleep alone.

 

1. Make Friday Morning Power Rankings

 

Versatile's Spank Bank Power Rankings

1. Nick Saban
2. The Crimson Tide mascot
3. Any random Kate Upton fat roll
4. Counting up Sheep scores
5. D.J. Fluker

 

I'm more of a Barrett Jones guy.

But really, do we have to get the YGBFKM/Care Bear/BabyWhoHatesJackReacher family in here to get some creative lists?

 

It's happening.

I'm going to smoke some pot, and the babies and I are going to create some power rankings that will make Versatile suddenly sit up in his airplane seat, eyes wide, and scream "Kevin!"

 

Random Versatile Power Rankings While I Sit Here At Halftime Of A Horseshit Football Game

5. Cock rings. Not sure what his stance is on them, but I have no doubt that he ponders them.
4. Franklin Pierce. Versatile's sexiest President next to the lead singer of the Presidents Of The United States of America
3. Golden Delicious apple. When Versatile ponders what kind of apple he'd prefer to have in his anus, this is his choice. Viscosity is much more pleasurable than a Granny Smith or a McIntosh. Subject for further research? Knobbed Russet.
2. Dan Oregon. Though Versatile is a kind sort and would never harm anyone, he still aped the Steve Buscemi scene from Billy Madison in which he crossed Dan Oregon off his fake "Who To Kill At SJ list", played ELO's Telephone Line and put lipstick on as he stared into space longingly.
1. Big Daddy Kane. Anything goes when it comes to ho's because pimpin' ain't easy. This is Versatile's personal mantra.

 

Bubbler, you've given me a lot to think about with this whole idea of reverse numbering. Let me give it a shot:

Versatile's Home Alone deleted scene power rankings:

10. "Meat the Parents"
Description: The night before the trip, the McCallister parents have sex.
Notes: It manages to be both unrealistic (married couple having sex in a full house) and expected. Easily the worst scene deleted.
Length: 12 minutes, 45 seconds

9. "Angels With Filthy Souls"
Description: The gangster movie Kevin keeps watching extends into a porn film.
Notes: It's black and white, and the bushes are more full than Rockefeller Center's Christmas tree. There's a "Say hello to my little friend" line that's just tacky.
Length: 1 minute in the movie, 69 minutes in full

8. "Shoveling Cum"
Description: Old Man Marley sticks his shovel up his ass and uses the force against his prostate to ejaculate while screaming, "Look ma, no hands!"
Notes: The shovel fits so easily.
Length: 7 minutes, 14 seconds

7. "Wet and Wild Bandits"
Description: Shortly after being knocked down a flight of stairs, Harry and Marv stare into each other's eyes and consummate their long-standing homosexual passions. Kevin watches, enamored.
Notes: There's really something mesmerizing about hearing Adult Kevin Arnold squeal while Joe Fucking Pesci eats his asshole.
Length: 11 minutes, 8 seconds

6. "Lonely Boy"
Description: Kevin wakes up home alone, and gets ready to do his business. Like any man, he masturbates, then smears his semen on his face.
Notes: You thought that was aftershave?
Length: 9 seconds (Completely unrelated: I see BYH is back.)

5. "Gingcest"
Description: Buzz and Linnie McCallister have dirty ginger siblings sex in the van while waiting for the parents to round everyone up.
Notes: Do not Google "dirty ginger siblings sex."
Length: 3 minutes, 45 seconds (But Buzz totally was rushing it.)

4. "Choir Girl"
Description: Shortly after seeing her in church, Kevin chloroforms Old Many Mooney's granddaughter and rapes her. He then lights her pubic hair on fire. He follows that by dragging her by the heels back to her grandfather's house, where she wakes up not remembering a thing.
Notes: Initially filmed as the pivotal scene of the movie, "Choir Girl" was a bit too violent for my taste.
Length: 47 minutes

3. "Boy In the Mirror"
Description: Shortly after "Lonely Boy," Michael Jackson shows up.
Notes: I have nothing to say.
Length: Same as "Smooth Criminal"

2. "Hot Girl Showers"
Description: Kristin Minter, in the role of Kevin's cousin Heather, takes a shower before the trip.
Notes: She was 15, sure. But have you seen Kristin Minter?
Length: 6 minutes, 32 seconds

1. "Polka, Poker and Poke Her"
Description: Kate McCallister gets bored in the back of the truck with John Candy's polka band, and she suggests playing poker. Only she's sold her life savings to get her son back, as if he's that fucking important, so she agrees to strip poker. One thing leads to another, and the back of that truck becomes a Kenosha Kickers gangbang. Again.
Notes: Candy's penis is small, and there's a whole lot of ass-to-mouth, but Catherine O'Hara can really take a dick or four. I particularly like the part where she's getting jackhammer-fucked with the accordian stuffed in her mouth. Such beautiful music.
Length: 3 hours, 21 minutes, 17 seconds

 

Power rankings of things I thought of when I read this post ...

5. Accordians aren't particularly erotic ... unless you're in France.
4. Cry for help
3. Cry for help
2. Cry for help
1. What happened to Joe Pesci's career?