United States of Shame (or "We're No. 1! We're No. 1!")

I was shocked to find New Jersey was No. 1 in taxes! :

 

And government corruption. I think that's a more notable accomplishment.

 

So all those awesome women in prison documentaries I watched were set in Oklahoma?

 

We're not the nerdiest in Ohio. The library is just the least expensive way to look at porn without paying for overpriced broadband internet after everyone is laid off and John Kasich begins selling the state's assets to Goldman Sachs.

 

Love the way the chart sort of creates a trail of shame from one state to another and tells a story:

Montana is first for drunk drivers, then you head south to Wyoming to have the fatal car wreck.

North Dakota has the ugliest residents, which leads to a sense of loserdom and isolation, so they go to South Dakota and commit rape. Now on the run, they continue south to Nebraska and assault more women. By the time they get to Oklahoma, though, the women fight back and shoot their rapey ass.

The worst credit score is in Arkansas. So you move to Missouri to file bankruptcy. That still doesn't work, though, so you head on over to Illinois and rob a bank.

And then you have New Mexico, telling the rest of the country to fuck off; poor little blue Alaska all alone by itself with a gun in its hand; and Florida down in the bottom right corner scheming about which title it wants to claim.

 

Utah -- biggest porn users? Those horny Mormons....

And two others I would have never guessed--most tornadoes for Minnesota and most mobile homes for South Carolina.

 

Michigan: Unemployment

Nothing we didn't know. Three to four years and running, bitches. Alaska can't touch this.

 

Even worse for Utah is that the measurement was based on number of online porn SUBSCRIPTIONS. Hasn't Utah gotten the word that you don't have to pay for porn on the Internet?

I think Illinois cemented No. 1 state for robbery when the state legislature passed that big tax increase. (/rim shot -- not the kind of rim shot that Utahans love)

 

My home state is the oldest in America. I can believe that.

I also find it amusing that the dumbest state in America is in enlightened New England and the dirtiest state is a whore for the the Green movement.

 

I thought it was going to be spray tans per capita.

 

Given the addendum under the chart about the number of categories at which Mississippi brings up the rear, perhaps that state should have read, "Everything."

 

How do they calculate the beastiality stats so that Washington ends up the top animal fuckers? Is it on arrests only? 'Cause I have to think Wisconsin ranks up there, and even more so if you factor in humping picnic tables and other assorted outdoor furniture.

On the plus side, the binge drinking moniker should be worn as a badge of honor.....