Underwear

I had to go on a road trip and neglected to do my laundry. I had one pair of clean underwear. Long story short ... I had to buy some today so my boys would have a home tomorrow.

When the fuck did underwear get so expensive? I went into a Sears before my game. For three pairs of run-of-the-mill Hanes briefs, it was $10. Their brand was even more.

Since when should it cost $10 to store my junk three times a week? That's ridiculous.

Extrapolate that in rent terms. It costs $23 a week, $92 a month to sheath my truncheon at those prices. I pay less for freaking Dish Network. I'm in the process of refinancing my home, can I refinance my package too?

Then there's the ripoff sizes. My waist size is 35. The underwear sizes were 32-34 (medium) and 36-38 (large). As I'm sure you've guessed ( : ), I'm way too much man for 32-34, so I had to go with 36-38. Thank the holy holy I'm packin' down there.

I don't think I'm in some sort of undesirable caste to have a 35-waist, sounds pretty All-American to me. Why the hell wouldn't they have a 34-36?

Extrapolate this to fitted caps. Say I was a big fan of Wilbur Wood. I can purchase a 1972 red White Sox cap that would fit the circumfrence of my dome to the point where it would pass GPS standard. Yet, I can't comfortably garment my privates? What's wrong with this picture?

I'm think it's travesty. I'm seriously considering just giving up underwear in protest. Why should I, or anyone else for that matter, be beholden to society's standards at those prices and with rigid inflexibility?

There's this piece of paper called The Constitution ... no wait ... the Magna Carta, no, fuck ... ah yes ... the Declaration Of Independence that says I have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Commando is the way of the free! God bless America and God smote the undergarment oppressors!

 

I now know way too much about you.

 

Boxers are better.

 

I just vomited my spleen.

 

Just go commando, and that's coming from someone who once covered prep baseball sans undies.

Unfortunately, the back of my pants were ripped too. I didn't feel a breeze at the time, though.

 

No, no, no.

This is a serious men's health issue!

 

Remember when the gift shop here offered SportsJournalists.com undies?

 

Bubbler wears granny-panties! Bubbler wears granny-panties!

 

If Zac Efron can wear "granny panties," so can the supple-assed Bubbler!

 

I bet he doesn't look as good in them as Elizabeth Banks.

 

Now I'm free
Free ballin'
(Free ballin', yeah I'm free ballin')

 

Or, you could, ya know, throw them in the laundry once in a while...