Try This One...

I went to the Phillies game today, and I decided to write a gamer like I was covering the game. It's aimed towards a Philadelphia area paper. The two quotes I got were from different sources, but here it is without further Freddy Adu.

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Kyle Kendrick has used his arm to aid the Phillies. On Sunday, he added another tool to his belt, his glove. Kendrick made two Greg Maddux-like defensive plays in the seventh inning to keep the Pirates from rallying, as the Phillies won 5-1.

With Philadelphia nursing a 3-1 lead in the 7th inning, Kendrick (5-1) stood on the mound with Jose Castillo standing on third with one out. Cesar Izturis ripped a ball back up the middle on Kendrick's next pitch, but the rookie starter snared it and retired Izturis, keeping Castillo at third. Ryan Doumit pinch-hit for Pittsburgh starter Ian Snell (7-9), and Kendrick's offering was once again laced up the middle, but right into the rookie hurler's glove. Kendrick exited the field to the roaring applause of 40,030 fans at Citizens Bank Park.

Kendrick pitched seven stellar innings, scattering six hits, while striking out four. Jimmy Rollins provided the offense for the Phillies, collecting his second three-hit game in a row.

In the first inning, Rollins moved Tadahito Iguchi to third with a single up the middle. Iguchi would come in to score on a passed ball, putting the Phillies ahead 1-0. Rollins collected his second hit of the day with a single in the third inning, and scored on Aaron Rowand's RBI double. Philadelphia loaded the bases after Rowand's double, but Greg Dobbs struck out, and Carlos Ruiz grounded out weakly to Izturis.

The hit parade continued for Rollins in the fifth, when he tripled down the right field line over Adam LaRoche's out-stretched glove. The three-bagger was Rollins' National League-leading 14th triple of the year. Ryan Howard lifted Snell's next pitch to the warning track in center field, scoring Rollins to extend the score to 3-0.

Since Chase Utley went down with a broken hand, Rollins is hitting third in the line-up, Utley's old spot.

"It doesn't matter where I hit," Rollins said. “As long as I'm not hitting eighth."

Phillies manager Charlie Manuel said after the game that Rollins as been a pleasant surprise in the three-hole.

"With injuries, you need someone to step in and pick things up. Jimmy has done that so far," Manuel said.

Kendrick cruised through the first 5 innings of the game, only allowing one runner to reach second base. Nate McClouth lined Kendrick's first pitch of the sixth inning into the seats in right for his third home run of the season.

Philadelphia ducked the liner in the seventh, with Kendrick's smooth glove work, and the score stayed 3-1 until the bottom of the eighth. After Howard and Rowand struck out, Shawn Chacon walked the bases loaded. Charlie Manuel brought in Chris Coste to bat for Antonio Alfonseca. Coste dropped Chacon's 1-1 offering into left field, bringing home Shane Victorino and Dobbs.

Ryan Madson joined the ranks of Phillies on the disabled list, after he left in the eighth inning complaining of shoulder discomfort. Jose Mesa came in on the ninth to retire the side in order after allowing a lead-off double to Xavier Nady.

 

Kyle Kendrick has used his arm to aid the Phillies. On Sunday, he added another tool to his belt, his glove. Kendrick made two Greg Maddux-like defensive plays in the seventh inning to keep the Pirates from rallying, as the Phillies won 5-1.
<b>I think "Greg Maddux-like" works in a column, but in a gamer you might want to stick with "crucial" or "decisive." Also, on first reference, it's Philadelphia Phillies and Pittsburgh Pirates.</b>

With Philadelphia nursing a 3-1 lead in the 7th inning, Kendrick (5-1) stood on the mound with Jose Castillo standing on third with one out. Cesar Izturis ripped a ball back up the middle on Kendrick's next pitch, but the rookie starter snared it and retired Izturis, keeping Castillo at third. Ryan Doumit pinch-hit for Pittsburgh starter Ian Snell (7-9), and Kendrick's offering was once again laced up the middle, but right into the rookie hurler's glove. Kendrick exited the field to the roaring applause of 40,030 fans at Citizens Bank Park.
<b>This is good play-by-play, but this is prime space in the story. You either need to tighten it way up - "After Jose Castillo advanced to third base, Kendrick protected a 3-1 lead by stopping consecutive comebackers for the second and third outs of the seventh inning" - or move it down in the story. Or you can give a very brief description, then go into detail later.</b>

Kendrick pitched seven stellar innings, scattering six hits, while striking out four. Jimmy Rollins provided the offense for the Phillies, collecting his second three-hit game in a row.
<b>Ditch "stellar" - those numbers speak for themselves.</b>

In the first inning, Rollins moved Tadahito Iguchi to third with a single up the middle. Iguchi would come in to score on a passed ball, putting the Phillies ahead 1-0. Rollins collected his second hit of the day with a single in the third inning, and scored on Aaron Rowand's RBI double. Philadelphia loaded the bases after Rowand's double, but Greg Dobbs struck out, and Carlos Ruiz grounded out weakly to Izturis.


The hit parade continued for Rollins in the fifth, when he tripled down the right field line over Adam LaRoche's out-stretched glove. The three-bagger was Rollins' National League-leading 14th triple of the year. Ryan Howard lifted Snell's next pitch to the warning track in center field, scoring Rollins to extend the score to 3-0.
<b>Either "extend the lead" or "make the score."</b>

Since Chase Utley went down with a broken hand, Rollins is hitting third in the line-up, Utley's old spot.
<b>When did Utley go down? How long has Rollins been hitting there?</b>

"It doesn't matter where I hit," Rollins said. “As long as I'm not hitting eighth."

Phillies manager Charlie Manuel said after the game that Rollins <b>h</b>as been a pleasant surprise in the three-hole.


"With injuries, you need someone to step in and pick things up. Jimmy has done that so far," Manuel said.

Kendrick cruised through the first 5 innings of the game, only allowing <b>(allowing only)</b> one runner to reach second base. Nate McClouth lined Kendrick's first pitch of the sixth inning into the seats in right for his third home run of the season.


Philadelphia ducked the liner in the seventh <b>(this is unclear to me)</b>, with Kendrick's smooth glove work, and the score stayed 3-1 until the bottom of the eighth. After Howard and Rowand struck out, Shawn Chacon walked the bases loaded. Charlie Manuel brought in Chris Coste to bat for Antonio Alfonseca. Coste dropped Chacon's 1-1 offering into left field, bringing home Shane Victorino and Dobbs.

Ryan Madson joined the ranks of Phillies on the disabled list, after he left in the eighth inning complaining of shoulder discomfort. Jose Mesa came in on the ninth to retire the side in order after allowing a lead-off double to Xavier Nady.


- Considering your lack of access to players, managers, and the "media packs" that basically write gamers for you, this is good. My main advice would be to add context.

The playoffs are still 60 games away, so you don't really need to get in division standings at this point. But your story didn't mention that the Phils' have now won eight of their last 10, and the Pirates have lost eight of their last 10. That's gotta' be in there.

Another example would be Rollins. Not only does he have 14 trips this year, but he has four in his last seven games. That's quite a stretch. I got lucky in looking him up, but that's the kind of pleasant accident that happens with research. Also worth noting - Rollins added two runs to his NL-leading total.

Again, though, for someone just sitting in the stands, this is good. If you look at the AP story that ESPN.com picked up, they lead with Rollins, and BURIED the Kendrick defense stuff. You got it right. For a pitcher to make those plays back-to-back is rare; for him to do it in a two-run game with a runner on third is pretty damn cool. Good eye. You got the right lede.

Hope this helps.
-verbal

 

Thanks Verbal. I appreciate the feedback. I just cranked this out without media notes and all that good stuff. I should have included those important tid-bits of information that you mentioned. I was really surprised that the AP buried the Kendrick stuff. Oh well. Maybe they need a writer? Just kidding. Thanks for the help.

 

Mayfly -

Thanks for posting with us. And thanks, as well, to VerbalK for the nice edit.

I'm going to stick with your lede this morning, as ledes are an important - perhaps the most important - component of a compelling game story.

When writing game stories, we often forget that these are, first and foremost, stories. Yes, it's a game summary in which we're going to itemize the action and give the reader a synopsis of important events. But the more compelling we can make those events, the better. This doesn't mean creating drama, necessarily, unless the game itself was dramatic. Rather, it means drawing the reader into the piece using all the narrative strategies at our disposal. And in the minimal space a game story affords, we need to use those strategies effectively and immediately. For example,

Kyle Kendrick has used his arm to aid the Phillies. suffers from really passive construction. "Has used" is past-tense twice over, and yet never specifies when in the past he might have done so. "To aid" conveys little of the importance of what was done. I know you're trying to get to the next sentence, where the parallel is going to be that this time he aided them with his glove, but that parallel is lost when you close the sentence with a period, and again when you write

On Sunday, he added another tool to his belt, his glove. in which the word "tool" refers both back to "arm" and forward to "glove." Is his arm a tool? Do you use a tool to "aid" something? The addition of the "belt" further confuses the metaphor, even moreso when you add the word "glove." Do you wear your glove on your belt? I know in the old days there were clips on the gloves so one could do so, and I often have a pair of work gloves on my toolbelt, but I think at this point the reader's hanging on for dear life trying figure out where this is leading.

Kendrick made two Greg Maddux-like defensive plays in the seventh inning to keep the Pirates from rallying, as the Phillies won 5-1. So here at last is the meat of it - that Kendrick made two specific defensive plays to ensure a victory for the Phillies. The trouble here is that you're using a very lazy comparative to make the point. Yes, certainly, Greg Maddux is an excellent defensive pitcher - but does this citation in any way describe what Kendrick actually did? No.

That's a lot of criticism for the first three sentences of a very short piece, but you only get one chance to grab a reader's attention. Remember that most newspaper game stories get cut from the bottom up, so your lede is the one assured opportunity you're likely to get to do some writing. Make it count. Some suggestions:

On a blazing Sunday afternoon, and using only two hands, strongman Kyle Kendrick did the impossible, lifting and carrying every full-grown player on a major league baseball team to a 5-1 win.

or

Like any world-class assassin, Kyle Kendrick can dispatch you with either hand.

or

For a few hours on a Sunday afternoon, Kyle Kendrick was to Philadelphia what the Great Wall once was to China, the first and last line of defense against invasion and defeat.

None of these examples is particularly good, but I thought of all three in the few minutes I would give myself in a deadline circumstance to think of my lede.

I guess my advice would thus be to fiddle with this lede as an exercise in creativity and possibility. Take the 44 words you wrote and spend part of a free afternoon some day rethinking and rewriting them in the most creative ways you can. Allow yourself every possibility, foreclose nothing, free-associate as many images and words as come to mind. I think you'll be surprised how many really inventive ways you'll find to reimagine it. And building good creative habits is every bit as important as building good deadline habits.

Thanks again for posting with us. Hope this helps.

 

No, no ... this one was quite good

 

jgmacg...I don't want to get too artsy and risk having it cut to shreds on the board or of it made an actual paper, they would cut it in an instant. I know what you mean though about the lede. It needs to be catching. I actually ran another lede by someone I know in the business and they thought it was too artsy what I had, so I made a change. I am going to repost the lede and some of the story when I rewrite it.

 

Post away, Mayfly, and we'll see if we can hit the sweet spot between "too artsy" and "not artsy enough."

 

Just two quick ideas I typed out...

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Lede #1

Kyle Kendrick played sucker punch and took the collective breath away from the 40,030 fans at Citizens Bank Park with two defensive plays that held off a late Pittsburgh Pirates rally. Kendrick used his arm and glove while Jimmy Rollins provided the bat with three hits to lead the Philadelphia Phillies to a 5-1 win.

Lede #2

For a moment on Sunday, it looked like Cesar Izturis' hit would make it up the middle. If not for Kyle Kendrick's glove, it would have been an RBI single. Ryan Doumit thought he had a sure hit as well. Same outcome. Kendrick made two stop-gap defensive plays in the 7th inning to propel the Philadelphia Phillies to a 5-1 win, and a series sweep.

 

Ok. Just a couple of quick tweaks there to give you some ideas. I think the best advice I could give is this - master the basics of writing a classic AP lede. Keep it simple and declarative. Start with something like:

Pitcher Kyle Kendrick's outstanding defensive play was decisive in leading the Philadelphia Phillies to a 5-1 win over the Pittsburgh Pirates on Sunday.

From there, begin to think of what you might need to do to make the lede more interesting and arresting to a reader, as per my previous post. Keeping it simple. And declarative.

Don't worry about "artsy" or what other people think is "artsy." "Artsy" is just a word people use to describe something that isn't working. When something works, you'll never hear the word "artsy" used to describe it.

Keep at it. And I'm happy to look at anything you post, as is everyone here.

 

Thank you for your respone again. I am getting what you are saying now. If I had access to the players, I figure I would have some sort of idea about the feeling after the game of his defensive plays. Thanks a lot.

 

I wonder if something like this could be done watching a game on television. Not for publication, of course, but almost as a practice exercise.
Watch the game, score it, take notes. Treat it like it would be going in a newspaper, just without quotes.

Thoughts?

 

Why not?