Travel advice needed: Smoky Mountains

This is for real. Watch out for two things on the mountain roads while driving:

First-Slow down. At any blind curve you may suddenly find an hour's worth of traffic stopped in front of you due to bears lounging in the road. Troopers monitor the roads as best they can to keep them clear, but when the bears decide to cross the road or stop and watch the tourists, the road belongs to them. And whatever you do, DON'T try to feed them from the car window or get out to throw them food. Keep your windows up and just enjoy the view.

Second-When the signs say "SLOW-AREAS OF FOG AHEAD", believe it. I have driven all over the USA and this is the most dangerous area I have seen when driving in fog. Also, the fog can set in on you in what seems like only seconds. It doesn't always build up slowly.

 

Also, don't put meat scraps out in your chalet's small trash cans, because the fucking bears WILL come a-knockin'. I went outside one night to get some fresh air and had one of those experiences that, in retrospect, left me wondering how I didn't shit my pants.

 

Pigeon Forge. WORST TRAFFIC EVER.

Gatlinberg, is there any piece of garbage you can't buy in a store there? I bought like 15 obscure sports pennants last time I went down.

 

Asheville, NC. Thank me later. Stay at least one night at the Biltmore or take the tour. Women will love you.

 

Really? Do you have to take them as well? Does it cost extra?

 

Did you at least shart?

 

I couldn't believe how much it cost to visit the Biltmore mansion. $48 per person. $192 for the car.

 

There are cheaper tickets. And the women will love you.

 

Biltmore is insanely expensive, but probably worth paying once (I won't do it again, though). Asheville is a great little mountain town full of hippies. An entirely different experience than Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge, so it depends on what you're looking for in a vacation.

 

This time of year, there are.

 

Gatlinburg is something to be experienced. I walked around there thinking, "This is why the terrorists hate us." So much gluttony.

Although, I must say, bacon cooked in the waffle is freakin' genius.

I've been there about four times in the last five years. If you can ignore the jean shorts and yokels, it's great. Definitely find time to white water rafting. That was a blast.

And definitely go for the cabins.

 

Thanks for all of your advice, everybody. Please feel free to keep sharing.