Too hard on the kid? - plus writing critiques

Is that for overwriting? Too cute?

Again, thanks fellas. I want to get better.

 

But can you agree, aside from some of the awkward phrases or the angle of his story, that the kid has some potential?

As far as the "husked a leaf of gauze" it just doesn't read well, if that makes sense. I mean, as a reader, I'm going along fine in your story then that hits me... I know at least I did, I paused, lost momentum while I was trying to comprehend that phrase.

 

Agree on the fan thing. And as for the shooting percentage, I disagree with you 0 %. (Get it?) I think he should have said that he was 6 for 21 or whatever, and if you're going to give the percentage you have to give percentage of makes, not misses. Saying he shot 31% tells the story just the same, and to put what percentage he missed seems like you're going out of your way to be negative.

 

Wow. To tell you the truth Sweetness, It's very harsh and it pissed me off, but I'll leave it at that.

I was curious about your question about pointing out high schoolers' mistakes ... have you never had that discussion with your editors? Do you have a sports editor or copy editor who read this before it went into print? Did they say anything? What has their reaction been since the story ran?

 

Agree with what everyone said. Plus, while a game story is supposed to have an angle, this makes it seem like you chose to look at one player the entire game, depict how he shoveled his team's grave, and then pushed him in it. There's no mention of what the other team did, really, except in vague mentions of runs and overall numbers. Additionally, when you quote the coach saying the biggest story in the game was giving up open layups, that's a huge contradiction to what you seem to be describing.
It just seems like you're not really telling the whole story of the game, which was a close contest, after all - though it's telling a goo part of it.

Also, I must disagree with other assessments of "husked a leaf of gauze", but only because I'm a phrase dork. Though I can see how readers would say, "what in the hell does that mean", I thought - gee, nifty phrase.

 

Well Martin, you were doing all right until that last graph.

Please explain why "husking a leaf of gauze" is a nifty phrase? Is a leaf of gauze anything like a leaf of paper? Or a leaf of lettuce? Maybe a fig leaf?

You want to tell me he was peeling gauze of his leg, fine.
Oh, and I never find out why that gauze was on his leg to begin with, so it becomes even more of an abomination.

 

Yeah, the why of the gauze had me thrown, too. And spnited, I'm not trying to justify the use of the phrase in print...I don't even think it would occur to me to use something remotely close to that abstract in a news article. But I will admit that I majored in English, too, in school and just like words...sometimes the way they sound, even if they're not conventional.

When I read husking a leaf, it conjured up an image of his calf and lower leg as an ear of corn, the gauze the husk. And if I recall correctly, the leaf is also part of corn...by the time I read husk, I was with the farmer in the field. Granted, that's not where you want to be while writing about basketball, even if you're Nebraska's beat writer. That's why I'd never include it in a gamer. But I'm always a sucker for stuff I can lose my imagination in.

 

You want too cute...I just caught myself writing:

"The school teacher says she is thrilled to have made the grade this time around."

Cute is always tempting...and almost always wrong...

ANYWAY...I need more sleep.

 

Agree with others on most points.
If it's Kobe, you've got a pretty good story. But not on a HS kid.
Unless you're getting paid to play (and I put D-I college in the category), you're off limits for harsh criticism.

Other writing points:

Don't let overwriting take away from a good story.

Junior shooter? Is this guy Jimmy Chitwood? junior guard or Mancasola, a junior, ... is preferrable.

cold, gray floor? Are they in a dungeon? I know you're trying to set a scene, but normal stuff like that takes away from it. If you're a visiting FT player against Iowa and want to talk about the pink lockerroom, fine. Here it's useless.

dish off? UGH. I hate those phrases. What's wrong with passed?

Derek Downing chunked up a rushed jumper. "Rushed" was descriptive and nice, but "chunked" can be chucked.

 

\"way too democratic\" is one of a few phrasings about his ball-hogging (and later reversal) that probably would have been better to leave to someone else in a quote, not by the reporter writing a gamer.

 

I've been thinking about this, and it's a problem in this industry that too many writers decide on the storyline and try to make everything fit into that.

You decided that this kid was the sole reason (or at least, the primary reason) his team lost the game. That might be fairly accurate but I suspect the other team had something to do with it, and without context it's hard to judge -- does he always play like this? Was this simply the first team to effectively neutralize him?

Then every tidbit of information is an example of how this kid blew it. Thus, he gets criticized for ball-hogging at the beginning of the game and then he gets ripped for not ball-hogging at the end of the game. IMO this type of stuff goes on way too much even in coverage of the pros; "A-Rod demonstrated he is a choker by striking out with the bases loaded in the ninth on Tuesday. He confirmed his chokiness on Wednesday by driving in six runs -- none after the seventh inning."

I'd prefer that we stay away from making some of these character judgments based on performance in a couple of clutch situations.

 

It certainly seems to be a lot easier than paralyzing yourself trying to squeeze every pertinent thing into a tight package, eloquently, on deadline. But with time it gets better, and you learn how to sort through the extraneous bullshit while still doing justice to the actual event.