Tim Kurkijian...BUSTED!

I know ... just giving you a hard time.

 

Apparently Kurkjian couldn't talk his way out of the ticket by regaling the cop with tales of the '88 Orioles.

Why couldn't this happen to one of ESPN's other analysts? I know it's a minor thing, but I like Kurkjian a lot.

I would love to have Sean Salisbury get pulled over and overhear his egotistical ass exclaim on air, "Don't you know who you're fucking with? I'm Sean Fucking Salisbury! Haven't you seen me on ESPNews pwning John Clayton? That shit ain't faked, pal, it's real. I've kicked Clayton in the nuts eight times and Ed Werder five times ... I swear to God I have, so don't think I'll think twice about going Ali Haji-Sheikh on your privates just because you have a badge and a gun.

I'd be a registered weapon ... if I bothered to register. But I'm a renegade, that's how I roll. I carried a clipboard in the NFL, but I sharpened the sides, so when Wade Wilson or Rich Gannon walked by Salisbury, he was gonna get cut, no and's, if's or fucking buts about it. I don't give a fuck.

I noticed you have a chick partner. Hook me up with her cellie, my Salisbury steak practically makes love to phone cameras. She's a bit matronly, but the Salisbury steak isn't discriminating. Is there some private police band I can transmit my third-string trouser mouse over? I've never beamed my schlong over a police phone and I need to cross it off my list of Cool Shit Only Sean Salisbury Can Do. So why don't you tear that ticket up and let me work it, OK, Serpico?"

Something like that.

 

There are no cops in Delaware, just one spot. You can cruise I-95 pretty well through the small wonder.

 

I gotta know, did you have to look up the spelling of Ali Haji-Sheikh?

 

Nope. I can spell that one from memory. Paradoxically, I have to look up ex-Patriots kicker John Smith though.

 

That's ironic...

 

That's why God created cruise control.

 

Why would you want to kick short to his privates? I don't get it.