This fact is indisputable ...

... there is no place on Earth worse than a port-o-potty on the infield at a sprint car dirt track.

I'm here covering the races and it's as if all the detritus of hillbillydom reaches some logical coalescence in the cesspit of the port-o-potty. Flat Bud Light, Wal-Mart Green Lightning, dip spit and pooped out infield popcorn ... all forming some sort of hellish whole to a (bad) Lynyrd Skynyrd/Big Rich cover band.

And here's me, a stranger in a strange land walking around in a polo shirt in a land of no-bra wearing, triple D, way-too-close-to-250 heifers, wife-beater tank tops, and Knoxville Nationals black sprint car T-shirts. I peered into the face of the fans I waited in line. They said nothing, but they took one look at me in my gear, and their faces said, "fag!"

But at least I was armed for a port-o-potty visit, as in, I had shoes on that can be power-washed if need be. Many of these denizens are going into the shit with flip-flops, if lucky.

Who does that? I want to wear a HAZMAT suit if I so much as get within 10 feet of a port-o-potty.

Sprint car racing is overrated too. Much sliding signifying nothing. I respect the drivers, but I don't find it entertaining. And I think half this crowd craves a wicked flip over the racing anyway.

I'm in a different world.

 

Consider the town where you live.

The smell should be familiar.

 

Oh the smell was great! A vast improvement over the usual ...

Hey! Fuck off!

 

Eeewwww, that smell. The smell of shit surrououndddds youuuuuuuuuuu.

 

Steve Kinser would like to have a word with you, Bubs. Sprint car racing can be some of the best auto racing available.

But I hear you on that particular atmosphere ... loud and clear.

 

Considering the fact I sang "That Smell" for no apparent reason last night, good pull.

 

Man, bubs put some music to that and I think you have a hit country music song.

 

Polo shirt's not that bad. Now, if you had worn your "Obama-Biden '08" tee shirt, you'd be dangling from a tree branch right now.

 

You ain't been to Redneck Racin in Sayre....

 

That is great stuff, Bubs... after the train wreck I watched in Columbus tonight, thanks... I needed that. Kudos.

 

I originally had a line that said along the lines of they were going to kill me on general principle because they'd assume I voted for Obama, but I thought it was too much. Of course, I did for vote Obama ...

Anyway, tonight's feature had a great moment in hillbillydom.

Two cars collided going into a turn. One hit the wall, one kept going. Damion Gardner was in the car that hit the wall and he was livid. When the guy who hit him (Cole Whitt) came around under caution, he did the fist-shaking, helmet-throwing routine.

But Gardner was still out there when Whitt came around again. Sans helmet, Gardner ran out there INTO TRAFFIC (it was still under caution, but still), and took a swing at Whitt's moving sprint car with his fist. Yes, he tried to punch a moving sprint car.

He didn't connect, which is good, because I didn't feel like covering a grisly anger-fueled amputation tonight.

What a maroon.

 

I'll say this. Besides the off-his-rocker sprint car punching maniac, the feature wasn't bad. Cars actually fell out due to tire issues, though it had a lot to do with the shoddy condition of the track I was at.

It's just not my cup of tea. Other than finding the right line, there just doesn't seem to be any strategy to it. And it just seems more dangerous than the dangers that are already inherent in racing.

Every time I see a sprint car flip, I cringe. I saw Jay Drake get badly hurt a few years ago in the first sprint car race I ever covered and I still think about it every time I set foot in that place. Every time I look at what passes for a catch-fence protecting the crowd, I get scared to death because there's no way it's adequate enough to keep a car on-track.

A tire flew off a car tonight on the backstretch. Had it been on the frontstretch, it would have sailed into the catch-fence or even cleared it. People would have been hurt and/or killed.

And the track I occasionally frequent is considered one of the better dirt car facilities around.