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Think I lost a friendship ...

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by doctorquant, Jul 25, 2012.

  1. doctorquant

    doctorquant Well-Known Member

    Sorry, just need to vent a bit (and would appreciate some advice/encouraging words if anyone has any). Long story short: Cousin with whom I am close recently finished off a divorce. I had a pretty good idea of what happened -- as he made his mid-life-crisis plans he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar -- but he never really leveled with me, which was fine (plausible deniability and all that). Recently he leveled a bit more -- nothing I didn't already strongly suspect -- but no really juicy details. He's still in my small hometown (half a continent away from me these days) and I maintain contact with almost no one back there. Well, turns out some of of the back story appears to have gotten out and is causing him some headaches (not sure how serious ... the divorce has been final for several months). He's convinced my mother's the localized cause of this event, and therefore I am the ultimate font of the information. The timing sort of make sense -- some phone call to his ex-wife happened a few weeks after my mother's most recent visit out my way. Also, per him, I'm the only one he's revealed anything to. The thing is, I didn't tell my mother anything. For all her pestering, I never told her anything other than very vague generalities, none of which was unknown to several parties close to that divorce. I mean, I have a pretty good damn idea what happened, but I don't know anything. But this is a small town in which he lives, there are lots of ways that gossip can emerge and spread, and sometimes it can be pretty accurate even if it starts out as a wild-ass guess. Heck, maybe my mother was the one who started the ball rolling, but she only did so by embellishing things she already knew and making a few lucky guesses.

    I've told him I didn't betray his trust, but I'm pretty sure he's not going to believe me. I've also told him I'd do anything I could to help him. But I can't (and I won't) apologize for something I didn't do. So I guess this friendship -- which dates back to our days when we were more cousins than friends -- is over. I'm pretty blue about it.
  2. Versatile

    Versatile Active Member

    I try to stay out of friends' relationships as much as possible, but I've lost friends similarly.
  3. Ace

    Ace Well-Known Member

    You go into great detail about why the friendship may be over, but you don't say what makes you think that.

    Is he refusing to return calls? Did he kick your ass?

    I bet he's in a mood to lash out at anyone now and would probably cool off in a bit.

    But I have to say that I would not lose sleep over ending contact with someone who is upset that people are spreading truths about them.
  4. LongTimeListener

    LongTimeListener Well-Known Member

    It sounds like he is participating in the time-honored divorce tradition of looking everywhere but the place he should be looking, the mirror, for the cause of his life situation. I give him a year of anger and then you guys will be at a NASCAR trak sometime in 2014.

    Not that I would recommend NASCAR.
  5. doctorquant

    doctorquant Well-Known Member

    Don't know about the returning calls, but he hung up on me in the midst of today's conversation (when I was blindsided by his accusation). But maybe y'all are like me in that you have certain friends you maintain in very roped-off areas of your life. He's my redneck cousin (OK, so I have a lot of redneck in me that I let out of the barn on occasion) with whom I enjoy one- or twice-a-year NASCAR trips/drunks. We'd never have the type of ongoing friendship -- our backgrounds and interests are far too divergent -- but for those few days a year, it works great.
  6. Ace

    Ace Well-Known Member

    I think a case of Bud Light will smooth things over nicely.
  7. qtlaw

    qtlaw Well-Known Member

    The most effective advice I have for you is to take heart in the facts. You did not betray his confidences and he is wrong. You cannot correct something that did not happen.

    Eventually he'll figure it out. Its his loss. You've done everything you could.
  8. Zeke12

    Zeke12 Guest

    Shave his name in your back hair as a gesture of goodwill.
  9. doctorquant

    doctorquant Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the comments everyone (well, Zeke12 didn't really comment, he made a suggestion that's highly unlikely to be followed!). Haven't gotten involved in any inter-personal drama in a long time -- one of the benefits of the ivory tower -- so I appreciate the goodwill exhibited by everyone.
  10. Lugnuts

    Lugnuts Well-Known Member

    Next time you talk to him I would tell him straight out you didn't betray his confidence, and you don't particularly appreciate the accusation.

    Then I'd tell him midlife is as good a time as any to grow the fuck up. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is kick him in the ass.
  11. Ace

    Ace Well-Known Member

    Sounds like Luggy has her ass-kicking boots on.
  12. Iron_chet

    Iron_chet Well-Known Member

    Maybe he wants to sever the friendship because you don't use paragraph breaks!

    Life is too short to deal with energy thieves/drama queens.

    As Luggy said, have a come to Jesus talk with him and sort it out.
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