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Things not to do in Orlando

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by JayFarrar, Sep 9, 2009.

  1. JayFarrar

    JayFarrar Well-Known Member

    Eds: Note offensive language throughout

    ORLANDO — Here's a tip for the traveler, never, ever listen to the fucking desk clerk at your hotel when you try to get directions to a local landmark.
    Vacationing here in lovely central Florida with the girlfriend and got in this afternoon. All was well, and we decided not to rent a car, since the bulk of the vacation will be spent at Universal Studios and using the hotel shuttle and public transportation.
    This afternoon and evening, we decided it would be best to take in some of the local malls. The first trip was to Prime Outlet. Lots of discount stores that didn't have much of a discount. The GF was able to score some deals at Eddie Bauer and I openly lusted after some shoes at the Nike store.
    but in orange and I ended up not buying them, even though they made me look like a motherfucking pimp.

    So we get back to the hotel, put up the bag o' clothes and ask the clerk — Pamela Wilson — the best way to get to the Mall of Milennia (SP?), The GF really wants us to check out the Ikea Store and it is about 6:30.
    The clerk, the motherfucking clerk, says that since we don't have a rental car, the best thing to do is take the bus. Says the nearest stop is by the parking deck for Universal just, "a couple of blocks over."
    And not a cab because it would be "$15 or $20 one-way." The bus is just a buck-fifty.
    So we decide to hoof it over to the bus stop, since it is so close. The hotel is on Windhover and a seemingly nice part of town. As we walked, I told the GF that if we met the fate of doomed tourists, the Sentinel would lead with my name since I was a reporter. 'Cause that's how the media rolls.
    Oh and one other thing: Hey Trib and the 0-Sent, want to make some money, how about putting out a fucking newspaper box? You know people will occasionally buy the paper, if they can find one for sale. I've been here a day and still haven't seen a single copy for sale.
    Back to the tale.
    So we are walking and walking and walking. Eventually we get to Universal Studios and I get a punch in the arm because I say "lizard!" loud every time I see a little Gecko(?) scurry by on the sidewalk. That game gets tiresome after you pass the 100 lizard mark.
    But we are still walking. Eventually we get to bus stop, probably two miles away from the hotel and about an hour later. We walked slow.
    We get on the bus, and we pass a bus stop, about a block from the hotel. I think that's the one Pamela Wilson was trying to direct us to, but it wasn't the one she had mapped out and had given directions for.
    The bus cruises to the mall, and by now it is pushing 8. I make a little joke about how pissed I'll be if Ikea closes at 8.
    Guess what? Motherfucking Ikea closes at 8!
    Undeterred by the locked front door, I make my way into the store at 7:56, stomp around until I find a comment card area and leave an angry comment about the stupid Swedish furniture store closing too damn early.
    I steal two of the pencils they had sitting out, buy a bottle of water — I shopped at motherfucking Ikea and left.
    We wind our way to the Cheesecake Factory and enjoy one damned fine meal. My little corner of podunk doesn't have one, so it is always a treat to eat there.
    She's pissed about the bus debacle and says no way is she taking the bus back. It is dark and she's willing to pony up the cash for the cab ride. The $15 to $20 you might remember from earlier.
    I paid for dinner, It was the least I could do for my sweetie who has paid for the airfare, hotel and tickets to Universal for this trip.
    So we get a cab and wind our way back to the hotel.
    It was a quick ride and I was watching the meter. I kept thinking, "no fucking way is this going to be that expensive." Finally I say out loud, "if this ends up being like eight bucks, I am going to be so pissed."
    She agrees.
    It wasn't eight bucks though, the fare was $7.70.
    I say that I might fucking kill Pamela WIlson, the desk clerk who has lead us astray or burn the hotel down.
    She says I should blog about it, so Captain Anger can be released without a hotel being destroyed or a clerk killed.
    So by blogging, I posted here instead.
    Now I'm about to enjoy what appears to be some fine ass banana cream cheesecake and get some sleep.

    — 30 —
  2. KYSportsWriter

    KYSportsWriter Well-Known Member

  3. PeteyPirate

    PeteyPirate Guest

    Was the clerk a virgin?
  4. DirtyDeeds

    DirtyDeeds Guest

    Outstanding. The outlet malls really do suck. I remember when you could score great deals at those places. Those were the days. And the Mall at Millennia is not that impressive. Just a bunch of overpriced stores.
  5. Cameron Frye

    Cameron Frye Member

    The bus is not an effective means of getting anywhere in Orlando.
  6. Armchair_QB

    Armchair_QB Well-Known Member

    We need the name and address of the hotel while you're at it.

    and if you could manage to snap a picture of the desk clerk with your cellphone that'd be cool too.
  7. Gutter

    Gutter Well-Known Member

    Better than toothpaste.
  8. imjustagirl

    imjustagirl Active Member

    Things not to do in Orlando: Go to IKEA. :D

    YGBFKM Guest

    That sucked. With that setup, I was waiting for some terrifying lost-in-the-city-and-almost-died story. So you got to a mall late. BFD.
  10. bagelchick

    bagelchick Active Member

    Hey IKEA....First Rule of Building Sales:


    Nothing irks me more.

    Great story......glad you at least got some good cheesecake!
  11. imjustagirl

    imjustagirl Active Member

    God you are a miserable SOB.
  12. schiezainc

    schiezainc Well-Known Member

    Jay, sorry your trip sucked. To be fair, though, when you asked us for tips on Orlando, six different posters told you to get a rental car. :)
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