the word "metric"

with all due tribute to the Bud Light marketing types and BitterYoungMatador2, I thought I'd share this new installment of the "Real Men of Genius" series in honor of my favorite corporate buzzword.
*****

Real Men of Genius.

Reeeeeeal Men of Geeeniuuuus!

This Bud’s for you, Mister Corporate-Speak Guy Who Says “Metric.”

Mister Corporate-Speak Guy Who Says “MEEEEEEETRIC!”

Thanks to you, the word “metric” endures in North American English. But this is no “Schoolhouse Rock” system of weights and measurements. Far from it. Thanks to you, the word “metric” now means “standard.”

We USED to say “criterion!”

But you’re too fucking stupid to understand the word “criterion,” to say nothing of its daunting plural form, “criteria.” Or is the other other way around? “Criterion?” “Criteria?” What am I, Mister Chips?

That shit looks like Latin!

But you heard some jackass consultant use the word “metric” in a seminar and decided that it was the coolest thing since cell phone holsters. You’ll mimic any behavior if you think it makes you look like the competent professional that you secretly aren’t.

I’ll APE you like a MON-KEY!

Thanks to you, there’s one less “hard word” in English. Or is it two? In any case, shrinking the common vocabulary is good for society.

That's DOUBLE-PLUS good, yo!

So crack open a cold one, Mister Corporate-Speak Guy Who Says “Metric.” By any unit of measurement, you da man.

Mister Coporate-Speak Guy Who Says "MEEEEEEEEE-TRIC!"

 

I think there should be a "Mr. Still Convinced That We Should Go Metric."

 

I think the term got popular during the dot com boom when all of the techy marketing guys were running around trying to explain how to measure performance for ad sales, etc. I hate even more the new use of the word solution. More of the same too-cool people dressed in black with horn-rim glasses trying to sell you "solutions" to problems you never even knew you had.

 

You forgot the disclaimer at the end "Anheuser-Busch, St. Louis, Missouri."

I hate generic business-speak. Too much of it is used in our writing, even. "Thinking outside the box." "At the end of the day." "Taking it to the next level." ARRRRGH!

 

Whoops, forgot to mention the beer company. I guess I didn't leave it all on the field. It's all about consistency. And execution.

I hate corporate cliches even more than sports cliches....

 

Corporate weasel words.

‘Policy is a mechanism for the translation of the priorities and values of the organisation into programs and practices to deliver outcomes.'

Great website for this crap:

http://www.weaselwords.com.au/index3.htm

Remember mission statements? They were all the rage back in the 90's.

Funniest story I heard--I assume it's true-is the Globe & Mail hired a new publisher, a guy who was outside the paper biz. He spent his first six months fashioning a mission statement. He finally got fired.

And every mission statement (like where I work) incorporates the phrase "exceed customers' expectations".

Google that phrase and you'll get about 90,000 hits.

My all time favorite is "immediate consumption outlet".

That's marketingspeak for convenience store.

 

Around my place, the higher-ups are fond of the phrase "going forward". I'm sure I'm not outing myself with this, because I hardly think we're the only ones. But seriously, what other places CAN you go except forward? Did time suddenly become non-linear? If these people had a time machine, I'd have found it, gone back to Labor Day 1973 and handed my mom a barrel of morning after pills. So that can't be it.

 

"Going forward" is a standard one.

Here's one of my favs from a senior doofus. This is from a recent e-mail

Please review the attached announcement and cascade through your groups as necessary.

 

Orwell's been rolling over in his grave so much, he's probably pretty dizzy even for a dead guy.

Orwell's Six Rules
1. Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
2. Never use a long word where a short one will do.
3. If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
4. Never use the passive where you can use the active.
5. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
6. Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.

 

They're going to wonder why you're throwing dishwasher detergent on them again.

 

The guy who does this has all the buzzwords down.

However, he's still "shifting paradigms", a phrase which seems oddly archaic now.

 

I think the paradigm has shifted considerably since Orwell's death.