The Star Wars sex scandal and Darth Bush

As I re-watched Empire Strikes Back, it struck me. How is there not a Jedi pedophilia scandal? Lets see: young men are told that they have a special force within them that separates them from average men and they have been given a higher calling. They are told that in order to reach their full potential, they must overcome attachments to the opposite sex. Those urges, no matter how strong, must be repressed in order to fulfill the heavy burden of a great destiny. You cannot reach greatness if you want to have sex with Carrie Fisher (circa 1980) or Natalie Portman (circa 2000s). The Jedis are no different than the Catholic church!

Yoda is spending his time in exile on what basically amounts to a lonely swamp. And I am supposed to believe he wasn't pounding his pud to visions of that era's Rachael Ray (or Haley Joel Osment)? Yoda might look like Kermit the Frog with Down's Syndrome, but that don't mean the man doesn't have needs. He's all alone and he isn't going to sneak a quick spank o' the monkey? Puh-leze. Who is going to stop him?

And a lonely old man spends time tutoring a strong young man in an abandoned forest? Even sharing meals with him? Teaching this lad about what makes him special? Where have I heard of this before? That's right, Dateline NBC. I expected Chris Hansen to dart out of a cave.

Hi there. I'm Chris Hansen, Dateline NBC. I see you have met Luke.
Nice young man, is he.
I bet you think that. I have a transcript here of everything you told him.
In him, the Force is great.
And that isn't the only thing you think would be great in him, is it? In fact, you told him that you could think of other things that would be great in him.
Mastered everything, he has not
And you were going to teach him?
Many young Jedi I have tutored
You take young men into seclusion to quote-tutor them-unquote?
My job it is as Jedi Master
Is it part of your job as Jedi Master to make Luke stand on his head in a 69 position?
As part of training, it is a must
And the ass and ab exercises you make him do? Those are also part of his training.
Go, I must
You are free to go, Mr. Yoda, but the cops will be waiting.....

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Here is the other thing that struck me. For as much as Darth Vader is a feared movie villain, how is he really any different from George W. Bush? He completely underestimates an insurgent enemy, blindly believes that key members of the insurgency will find it beneficial to cooperate, refuses to analyze the countermoves the insurgency will take and fires any military advisor who has the temerity to tell him the bad news. When the Millennium Falcon escapes, does Vader sit down with his advisers to rethink his strategy...or....does he simply terminate the officer who has the misfortune to tell him the bad news? And at the end of the movie, he doesn't think that Chewbacca or Lando will think to reactivate the hyperdrive? No, don't completely destroy the Falcon and leave them with no way out. Just turn off part of the motor. Real fucking genius there, Darth. You are such a good parent that your kids would rather run away with Judas Iscariot and a wookie. Real good crowd they run with. Helluva parenting job there.

 

wow. fucking wow.

 

This is what happens when you leave His Holiness too long at contemplation.

 

did i say, "wow?"

 

Too much time on their hands, somebody has.

 

A post from Bubbler I thought at first this was...

 

The original Star Wars movie was full of sexual inuendo...

Top Ten Star Wars Sexual Innuendos

10) "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts."
9) "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
8) "Look at the size of that thing!"
7) "Sorry about the mess..."
6) "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
5) "Aren't you a little short for a Stormtrooper?"
4) "You've got something jammed in here real good."
3) "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
2) "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in
time?"
1) "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"

Bonus) "This little one's not worth the effort."

 

Got a hold of some really good weed, did he

 

Took a puff from what Tony Soprano and Sonya, maybe he.

 

Also starring, Michael Brown!

 

The plural of Jedi is simply "Jedi," not "Jedi's." FYI.

and fucking wow...

 

PDB reminds of Jeff Anderson in Clerks analyzing what happened to all the contractors when the Death Star blew up.