1. Welcome to SportsJournalists.com, a friendly forum for discussing all things sports and journalism.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register for a free account to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Access to private conversations with other members.
    • Fewer ads.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon!

"The STAND at St. Vith" screenplay by Jeff Hawkins

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by Duespayer, Jun 5, 2007.

  1. Duespayer

    Duespayer New Member

    TO: Agents, producers, anyone interested
    FROM: Jeff Hawkins, exiled sportswriter
    IE: “The STAND at St. Vith” screenplay

    To whom it may concern,

    The following is a logline for my recently completed World War II drama, focusing on one of the most pivotal, yet, overlooked battles in U.S. armed forces history:

    A historically accurate drama paying long over-due homage to the 7th Armored Division, which can be credited with saving the real “Band of Brothers” from certain annihilation during the Battle of the Bulge. The stop-action storyline also examines the post-war lives of soldiers through reunion camaraderie and reveals Adolf Hitler's drug-addictions and flatulence.

    The screenplay is currently posted on the 7th Armored Division's Web site: http://members.aol.com/dadswar/7ada.htm#jeffhawkins

    Thank you for your time and consideration.

    Grateful Day,
    Jeff Hawkins
  2. jgmacg

    jgmacg Guest

    Mr. Hawkins,

    Thanks for sharing your screenplay with us.

    With the caveat in place that I know nothing about war or screenwriting, two suggestions:

    - In the first eleven pages nothing really happens. It's all spoken exposition, which the movies do not love. I'd move the firefight that begins on pp. 11 up to become your opening scene. Then move forward in time thereafter to the reunion. Movies most of all: Show, don't tell.

    - Rerun your spell check.

    Again, thanks for posting. Good luck to you.
  3. Duespayer

    Duespayer New Member


    Thanks for taking time to respond. (Unwittingly, you don't know how hard you made me laugh when you suggested I should run a spellcheck.)
    "The STAND at St. Vith" is real important to me, writing and researching during my tenuous months of unemployment and uncertainty.
    The story is absolutely historically accurate, with just a few bends of creative bridges. Most of the soldiers' names are real people - Knowlton, Chapin, Boykin, Moser ... I met those men during their 60th reunion last September in Louisville. They are as humble as they are heroic.
    Many of the surviving members of the 7th Armored coresponded last fall and winter, when I spent nearly every waking moment in the Lake in the Hills and McHenry libraries.
    In January, I shopped the project to hundreds of agents and producers. No luck. Currently, I am waiting to see how it fares in two Hollywood contests, where up to 70 executives will read it. The results are due in August.
    Thanks again.
    If anyone else has any thoughts, I sure would appreciate any honest and professional criticsim.
Draft saved Draft deleted

Share This Page