The shocking adventures of Chef's Coed Softball Team......

Good God.

We are in the bottom half of an intermediate league.

I am a decent glove at first base (as king and emb. row may attest to), but during the bottom half of one inning, (keep in mind, we're getting throttled like 11-1 at this point) one of our bench players....let's call him Guadalupe.....decides to take his shot at infield........

So, we ask him......."Have you ever played infield before......he replies with a muffled "yeah" that sounded like he had just gotten busted stealing a Chick-O-Stick.

So, I go over to short, and our boy goes to first.

2nd hitter to bat, hits a 2-hopper right to me. I snag it. Guadalupe is stuck in mud, Chick-O-Stick in hand.

DOESN'T FUCKING MOVE.

I tell him to go to first base.

He runs into shallow right field.

Good Fucking Grief, Charlie Brown.

I will attempt to update the "progress" of our team on this thread throughout the season.

Tonight: Chef; 0-2; Team; L-17-3.

0-1

 

It doesn't help that your team's first baseman is missing a toe.

 

A true statement.

 

Ahahahaha ... that's an awesome story.

 

Chef lives a very interesting life.

This tale reminds me of playing softball at a July 4th picnic (that's our Independence Day, for the Canuck on this thread ) a year or two ago. The guy who played first base on our team literally could not play. I mean, I've never seen such athletic ineptitude, and I've seen myself play A LOT. This guy couldn't put bat on ball if his life depended on it. He swung like he was chopping wood. And at first base, he was a lot like Chef's first baseman...all arms and legs and please dear God don't throw me the ball. Well that's tough to do since YOU'RE AT FIRST BASE.

Man did he suck.

 

the paper here sponsors a team.. and thankfully it's a men's team. There hasn't been enough interest from women around here to merit a co-ed team. I wouldn't mind it, but the P&D's co-ed rules are fucked.

I get that the lineup has to be man-woman-man-woman, and I get that it has to be the same way in the field. Fine. What I don't get is that they make men bat with their off hand.

Fuckabuncha that. To my way of thinking, when you sign up to play softball, you're saying you can field the ball or get the fuck out of the way fast enough to not kill yourself. If not, then don't sign up.

 

Several years ago, the paper's team needed me to fill in for them. My rotator cuff was shot and I played first, as usual.
However, they had to do some juggling in the field because one guy just flatout sucked.. So I went to short, played deep and charged the ball because I couldn't throw hard.
They put this lame ass at first and three times I threw the ball right at him. All he had to do was lift his glove maybe three inches and it was there. Instead, he never moved it and three throwing errors for me.
The fourth time I aimed at the motherfucker's forehead. Again, he never moved his glove. This time, his head stopped the ball.

 

Chef should have a reality show. I guarantee you I'd watch every week.

 

It'd be like Kevin Seal's Sporting Fool: Every week, Chef tries something else that may cost him a limb.

 

I'd at least DVR it, especially if each week he lops off another body part.

 

You two think alike.
And BYH, you sig doesn't reference the best part -- the coach awkwardly trying to find the trash can.

 

Duh, what day is the Fourth of July on this year? The Fifth? (You suck, BYH )

I offered to play in the citywide Corporate Challenge last fall for my new place of employment. Uh yeah ... that won't be happening again any time soon.

The guy they let play short would attempt to field the popups to the catcher. I asked him what the hell he was doing and he said, 'I like to try to get every ball.' I said (in my best 'I gotta make nice with my colleagues' voice) 'get in my way of a ball and I'll drop you on your ass.'

They had me playing third. Second is my natural spot. The poor old gal they had playing at two would flinch when a ball was hit 10 feet on either side of her.

So I finally get a play (the entire tournament was awful, awful, awful ball ... but for maybe three or four teams, one of which absolutely wasted us). I hit the dirt, I come up with the ball, I gun it at one ... my first baseman dives out of the way of my throw.

'Oh my gosh, I'm really sorry, but you throw really hard.'

No, I don't. I tore my rotator cuff four years ago. I can't throw it near as hard as I used to.

That was the last game I'll play in Corporate Challenge.