The rejected Choose Your Own Adventure Books

That something awful site can be a blast. Check out their takes on 1960's men's fashion ads, funny not only for the comments but the hideousness of the clothes:

http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=2690

 

That is hilarious. "Dude, you're pretty much fucked" caused me to choke.

 

My favorite was the pure randomness of Watch Out For The Giant Fucking Head. Also, What The Fuck.

 

Those books were the fucking best. They're no longer in production, are they?

I remember the first one I got was "House of Danger" for my 11th birthday. I got all freaked out after I ended up dead. I told my mom and she was like "Maybe you shouldn't be reading those if they're going to scare you." Subtext: Don't be a pussy, son.

My favorite one was that Harold Thromberry one, where you're an investigator trying to find out who murdered some rich dude.

As much as I loved those books, they pretty much started to suck after 25 or 30. The first few books were amazing, with like 30-plus endings. They started getting chintzy at the end. it went from "WITH MORE THAN 30 POSSIBLE ENDINGS!!!" to "WITH SOMETHING CLOSE TO FIVE POSSIBLE ENDINGS!!!"

I still look forward to passing those books down to my nephew, though.

 

I remember those books coming out when I was a bookseller. Instant hit. And the great thing was, kids who normally didn't read gobbled them up.

And they made a friggin' mint for the publisher. It was a franchise.

 

I also got a kick out of the knockoffs that had franchise titles like "Choose Your Own.........Way!"

These were my favorite though:





I used to "write" my own knockoffs on my old Smith Corona. I was mad when I couldn't find typing paper the size of a normal paperback page.

 

Those books went out of production a few years ago, but R.A. Montgomery (or the publisher) decided to go back to the well, alter some illustrations and reissue a few of them.

There's even a Web site that rates them.

I have a box of them around somewhere, and I'm sure World Series Pressure is in it. The pages are awfully sunbaked by this time, though.

 

For the same reason, "Which one of you irradiated my giant fucking toast" had me rolling as well as the giant fucking head one.

 

According to wikipedia, which is always accurate, my beloved House of Danger was among the re-issues.

Personally, I would have re-written it as House of Fire by Alice Cooper, but that's just me.

Once a year or so, I get the urge to try and complete my collection, or at least get all the ones from my youth. Today is that day. Tomorrow, I might be tempted to complete my collection of The Three Investigators books...another series that fell off dramatically at the end. Hey look everyone! Book club edition!!!

 

Best illustration? Close call between Everyone Wants To Touch My Giant Snake And Jewels and That Giant Mexican Head Is Going To Eat Us All.

Slight edge to Snake and Jewels.

God damn, those are funny.

And Pope, how did you miss this one?

 

Holy shit. I didn't realize there was a link. Oh my God. I haven't laughed this hard since the My Name Is Earl about the cat competiton.





Good God, Pope, that's some funny stuff.

 

There's only one possible ending to You're Going To Die.