The Ladder Theory - attraction between men and women

The trouble with the theory is that it lumps all men into a not-very-evolved level of thinking, tending more towards the 'fuck anything that moves if it lets me' mentality.

Sure, a lot of men I've known have been incapable of thinking of women as anything other than targets of their sexual desires, but I've known enough men who can consider women as friends, too, and probably have two ladders in their cloest.

As far as the women go ... yeah ... two ladders. I can buy that. And once you're on the Friend ladder, you can forget about ever moving over to the Sex ladder. In most cases, that's true.

 

I'll tell you the reason why this theory kind of hit home for me. I met a woman in early 2008 and absolutely fell head over heels for her. She was also recently separated from her spouse, and we began dating. She was a bit concerned for various reasons about establishing a "serious" relationship right away, which I understood because she was going through a particularly ugly split. Still, we connected on so many different levels with lightning speed, and over the next few weeks and months I became more and more certain she was "the one." Things she said and did told me she felt the same way.

When she felt that perhaps we shouldn't be exclusive, I agreed and began to see someone else, at which point she (surprise) became insecure and jealous. The other girl didn't work out so we hooked up again and it was just like before. Again, though, we eventually drifted apart and decided to be friends. I took off to Los Angeles for a week to do research for my book. There was no other girl to make her jealous or insecure....and yet while I was in L.A. she began to text me telling me how much she missed me, how much she needed me, she couldn't wait to see me again...... I figured, okay, here comes Round 3, and I was thrilled about it.

When I got back, we arranged to meet up. We hugged, and I pulled her in for a kiss. She responded as I had hoped she would. Nothing physical happened beyond that because our kids were with us, but I felt things had gone well. Imagine my shock when, after a couple of days with no contact, she e-mailed to tell me that I had greatly offended her by kissing her.....because we were just friends and she had made that clear to me. But the friendship was now over because of my indiscretion, and I was told to not contact her again. Of course, I profusely apologized for stepping over a line that I honestly had not known was there. She budged a little bit but decided within a few more days that, no, she couldn't get past it and there was no possible way we could ever be friends again. And that was that.

After a while of wondering what the licence number was of the truck that had just run me the fuck over, I finally decided that she was a total headcase and not worth missing (easier said than done, but I digress). But today, after reading the ladder theory, it sort of made sense - I had been placed on the "friend" ladder and I, clueless fool that I was, had unsuccessfully tried to jump back to the "sex" ladder. Bang - kicked into the abyss.

So that's the story. Like I said, I want to believe that chemistry is still important in attraction, that a friendship between a man and a woman could possibly blossom into something more if the circumstances are right.....and, as bad as it sounds, I want to believe that this girl was/is just a mind-game player and that she is not typical of the gender.

 

A.) I've always had WAY more male friends than female friends.

B.) I've wanted to sleep with only a handful of them.

C.) I didn't want to sleep with any of them immediately. They all crossed from "Friend Ladder" to "Sex Ladder."

D.) Or, you know, I GOT TO KNOW SOMEONE AND DECIDED I WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM.

Christ. Ladders? Really? Every single male-female relationship in the world can fit onto one of three ladders, and someone actually asked in what way it was crap?

 

I'm with IJAG. I can't be attracted to anyone I don't know so I guess I have one ladder with extensions? Most theories are bullshit.

 

Thank you.

As for "A," reverse the genders and that has been the case here. Probably because I was considered safe or harmless, but whatever ... I can live with that.

But ladders? Sheesh ...

 

Hey, self-doubt is a powerful thing, especially when it's fueled by loneliness. I admit it.

 

Double J: You met a psycho. She didn't know what she wanted, so she pulled you in and pushed you away over and over and over again. She's batshit. Doesn't mean you're on a "ladder" or "in the abyss."

Means you met a psycho. The. End.

 

Thanks.

 

Now let me clarify: Do I have male friends who are STRICTLY friends and will never be more? Yes. But that's NOT because of some "ladder." It's just the way things play out. Doesn't mean there aren't "friends only" or "men I'd sleep with" categorization...I'm just saying it's insane to simplify everything down to things like ladders.

 

All right, so where do platonic future husbands fit into this situation

 

Platonic future husbands are friends with benefits (the benefit being making fun of others).

 

Shouldn't there be chutes to go with the ladders?