The Holidays, a Year Into The "New Life". Definitely Different

A weird weekend -- good and also introspective.

As I'm working all of the holidays, it's just me. Actually, it's not just me. Sunday was a glorious afternoon on the "Laz-E-Boy" with my health care friend (nope, no titles of girlfriend/boyfriend). I agreed to watch "Love Actually" if it was clothing optional. That's the best way to watch the movie.

However, I'm also going through a slightly difficult time as I think of the holidays. Since the divorce, the kids - for the most part - stay with me as it's the more stable home. My wife's alcoholism (I won't call her my "ex" - she was my wife and we did have 20 years together) was the prime factor in my marriage failing and she still isn't truly over the bottle, sadly.

I'm also getting closer to my oldest leaving for college and my youngest in high school. Life is moving on.

I don't have a lot of regrets but, as I look at the house this year, it's definitely lacking. I'm not good at hanging all that Christmas crap all over the house. The stockings are by the fireplace and the tree is up but the place definitely doesn't have a woman's touch. (To her credit, the "woman in my life" helped decorate the tree a week ago to make it a little more "full".)

I see so much attention focused on family time for the holidays and... that just isn't me. My direct family (father/stepfamily) fell apart a few years ago amid scandal, sexual abuse from 25 years before and resulting a prison sentence. I mostly just want to be alone on the holidays with the kids. Just the three of us - and their friends if they want to come over.

The pictures above the fireplace are still the four of us. Not that I pine for my wife (I don't -- it was fading for a long day and, besides, the Laz-E-Boy!) but I want the kids to remember the four of us before alcohol became such a scrooge.

I see the Christmas cards come in from our friends that are still "intact".

I've kept my silence for the 18 months since the divorce. I know there's chatter around the city I live in about the divorce and there's probably some assumption or presumption that I was a horrible husband in the middle of a midlife crisis. She made sure to tell people that she wasn't the problem and - given my somewhat visible standing - I can't argue back. The wife's family will likely never know the 150 alcoholic incidents A YEAR for three years. The four trips to the ER on alcohol overdoses and injuries. The threats to kill herself. The times she hit me or pushed our kids. They'll never know about this because I wanted to keep a level of grace and dignity to a person who chose to have neither for years -- and to keep it "out of the papers".

In general, I've become a social media recluse (which I'm okay with) but seeing all of the pictures of people and their happy lives is getting to me. I'd consider my life very happy right now (love what I do, make good money, wonderful teenage children, no more nagging and alcoholism in my house) but there is no glory for what I do. Cooking every meal. Coming to every game/concert/presentation... and I love it. Chaffeuring my daughter and all of her friends around (as I seem to be the only divorced dad in their circle who seems to give a damn about what their kids do!).

Now at a year into this new life, there is so much to love about it. In my basement, I have THREE televisions set up to watch multiple football games at once... it's like a damn sports book in North Las Vegas. Peace, no constant criticism, kids with a quiet and stable home, more money that doesn't go to prop up an alcoholic smoker, sex -- so, so much sex -- but, dang, this week is a bit of a bear.

Thanks for letting me vent a little here.

 

Good on you, ex.
Merry Christmas.

 

Have a So-So-Sexy Christmas!!



Seriously, it sounds like things are turning in the right direction. Enjoy every candy cane.

 

Doesn't sound like you're venting to me. It sounds like you're finding out the joys, and "joys", of real, full-time parenting. And thriving.

As for the Christmas cards and decorations, just realize that's a once-a-year thing, and not necessarily, truly, an indicator of people's actual lives. Sometimes, it's like an obligatory thank you card -- just something people do, almost as just a courtesy, not a true testament to a perfect, happy family, or year gone by.

The other thing I'd suggest as far as Christmas décor, is to go minimalist, but go big on it, if that makes sense. That's what I do. Don't have a huge Christmas tree with full decorations if that's too much. Get a small one -- even a table-top one in a prominent place can do if that's all you want to bother with -- and just decorate it nicely (but not overly). And make sure it has lights! (The lights are the real key to a nice, cheery, Christmas-y tree that reminds you of the holiday anytime you look at it). And maybe get some nice ivy/garland, etc. and decorate the mantel(s) if you have them, and place/leave your pictures and/or a few holiday decorations/ornaments along the fireplace. Maybe put a nice wreath on the front door.

And just leave it at that. It looks nice, warms up the house for the holidays, makes you feel you've done some decorating, without having to go overboard or be unnatural (for you), and I'd bet it'd feel right for you and yours.

Otherwise, it sounds like you're doing well. Just enjoy and appreciate that.

Merry Christmas!

 

Merry Christmas.

Ignore social media.

 

My advice:

Take a picture of the Laz-E-Boy, and hang it above the fireplace.

 

Well put, MileHigh. I can imagine this time of year is particularly difficult even if they were usually away. I know on some level, the loss you suffered will always be there, but I do hope it is just a little bit easier to bear as time goes on.

Your last bit of advice is outstanding, that you have to handle the crap we go through in life in the way that makes sense for us, not for everybody else. My mother taught me that same lesson, though her language wasn't quite so colorful.

Merry Christmas to you, ex and everybody else here who celebrates it.