The Greatest Poison-Pen Letter in the History of the Medium

I consider myself a willing practitioner in the art of the poison-pen letter. I've written them for all sorts of things and rather enjoy the exercise of eviscerating someone for sheer and/or intentional incompetence or attitude.

But this one to a League Two soccer team in England? This is on another level.

"I run a business myself, and I believe I could take any 4,000 of my customers at random; burn down their houses, impregnate their wives and then dismember their children before systematically sending them back in the post, limb-by-limb, and still ensure a level of customer satisfaction which exceeds that which I have experienced at Blundell Park at any time so far this season."

That's one snippet. We've been laughing about this for an hour solid.

http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/sarah-spain/2009/11/and-you-think-youre-pissed-about-the-bears.html

My best letter on my best day isn't in this league.

 

The ending is even better:

So, in summary, you pack of repugnant, sputum-filled, invertebrate bástards; leave this club now and don't you fúcking dare look back. You've consistently demonstrated less passion and desire than can commonly be found within the contents of a sloth's scrótum, so frankly you can just all fúck off - don't pass go, don't collect your wages, don't ever come back to this town again.

I look forward to you serving me at my local McDonald's drive-thru in the near future.

 

This paragraph nails it:

In fact I recall a time, in my youth, when I decided to call in sick at work and instead spent the entire day in my one bedroom flat wearing nothing but my underpants, eating toast and wánking furiously over second-rate Scandinavian porn. Yet somehow, I still managed to contribute more to my employer in that one Andrex-filled day than you complete bunch of toss-baskets have contributed to this club in your entire time here.

 

The lede to the letter could describe the feeling the average American has for our country's CEOs.

"I am writing with regard to my absolute astonishment and disbelief as to the sheer magnitude of your complete lack of talent and failure to carry out the job for which you are paid to do."

 

Good point, Baron.

Read this letter to Mrs. Birdscribe this morning. She was laughing so hard she told me to stop.

 

That was pretty funny.

I can get a poison-pen letter reaction when I don't even write a single cuss word. I need to learn from this guy.