The Gay Billy Jack

He likes Crown Royal and looks like the offspring of an Elvis/Nixon mating.

The Gay Billy Jack could be a great SportsJournalists.com novel. He's at Occupy Wall Street, someone killed his dog and now he's about to get even. Or drunk. Or make a music video with Billy Squire.

 

The Gay Billy Jack would definitely be a Mets fan. He was also an unwitting participant in a PETA protest where he was violently doused by a high pressure water cannon which caused him to shit his pants.

 

If you drop a phonograph needle on his nipple, it plays the Beach Boys Pet Sounds.

 

I thought this was about Haskins.



Obscure Kentucky football reference FTW!

 

Haskins was molested as a youth by a Hasidic Jew who had the tip of his penis tattooed to look like a dreidel. Fate has put that same Hasidic Jew on a path that will lead him to the ultimate showdown against teh gay Billy Jack at Occupy Wall Street.

 

The Gay Billy Jack originally came to New York with his band called Shooting Clams at the Beach. They specialize in folk, bagpipe music which you've probably never heard of unless you're a hipster. Originally they were called Four Jews and a Mormon as an homage to the Thompson Twins. The thought it ironic since neither Jews nor Mormons are known for their love of bagpipe music but it was too obscure and confusing. The new band name was thought to be less obscure and confusing.

 

The gay Billy Jack was born in Pawtucket, RI but spent his formative years in Alberta Canada where most of his time was spent in a street gang called Cognitive Chaos. He wasn't gay until he went to Canada.

 

His first name is Buck.

 

When he was in college he changed it to Kareem.

 

He changed it to Billy Jack after getting involved in something called a three-handed cash game. Buck/Kareen thought it was to be a poker game but instead it ended up being a homosexual act so perverse that even the Urban Dictionary won't write about it.

 

Kareem once shared an embarrassing moment with a dolphin.

 

If there's a HoF for shittiest avatars of all time, Chris's latest is first-ballot.