The Divorce (and SJ Therapy) Thread

You all have left out one other very negative influence: mothers-in-law.

Bitch.

 

The best piece of advice that I ever received -- find a woman who you can talk to and who also makes you sweat.

I've been with Mrs. W for 19 years and we certainly aren't the same people we were in 1997. But at some point you you have to realize that you have to learn to speak honestly and grow together.

I'm the product of a divorce and it isn't a scarlet letter for the kids. Sometimes (and certainly in my case) it's better for the kids to be in a place where the parents aren't miserable together.

 

Damn I'm right there with you W; 20 yrs for us; I'm a product of a divorce from the late 60's (talk about feeling different) and still did not deter me either.

IMHO speaking honestly and growing together is great advice; we have some blow ups but its mostly to blow off steam and make sure things don't fester; those things that linger can become humongous if you don't talk about them.

My wife doesn't believe me but when I glance over there at times, I'm still admiring her the same as before when we started.

I try to always remember the reasons we fell in love and never forget all the things I've always treasured in her (her unselfishness and willingness to help everyone).

 

BTW, one of my longest standing clients (15 yrs) just told me he's getting a divorce. I'm bummed, I know his wife and 3 boys very well.

 

I expect two people who have shared every aspect of a life together to have some fights.
But they can't be permitted to last very long, and can't happen every day.
Don't ever go to bed mad, my mama always said.

Fights Wife of Fart and I have are money-related.
Not for want of it, although you could always use a little more.
Different philosophies on where discretionary income should be allocated.
I am not going to win that fight, was never intended to win it, so I have begun to redeploy.
I will resist once to let Wife of Fart know how I feel ... then just gradually start to agree. Then she feels like she won and I usually still get rewarded.

 

At least some marriages are sub prime mortgages.

The rate adjusts two years about two years after the wedding, which is the equivalent of the buzz an unqualified buyer gets after they buy a home.

There are many, many couples who should be urged not to marry. I don't believe they are.

 

I was part of one of those, and I basically married a crush (but a tight little body, etc.). We were incompatible in just about every way possible.

But trying to convince me of that, while in the throes of the relationship, was absolutely impossible. It even cost me a few friends, who were told to fuck off after trying to open my eyes to the truth.

 

It's very hard to tell a friend that he's with the wrong woman (or she's with the wrong man). Talk about fraught. And in my experience, even if you tell a friend he's with the wrong woman, he won't break up because of your counsel. It's like how you can't nag someone who is overweight into working out. They have to come to that realization on their own.

 

Appropos of nothing, but 15 years today for Mrs. Whitman and I as a couple. (June 1 was our first date, though I'm not sure either of us knew that it was a date, for sure, going in.)

 

One of my fraternity brothers did that to his best friend. Dude cut him, uninvited him the wedding and didn't speak to him for years, even after he got a divorce (she cheated on him repeatedly and left him more than $50k in debt)...

 

Bingo. I've wanted to say something a couple of times but held my tongue to my BF because I've always said you make your own decisions based on what that person does to you not what they do to someone else who tells you; I'm grateful for never saying anything because you're never to blame and they make their own decisions. BTW, even if you see an affair, never say anything to anyone, nothing good comes from that.