Stupid, stupid, STUPID! (a faux pas thread)

A quick fact about me: Because I am piss-poor at small talk, I have a canned response whenever someone I haven't seen in a while asks me how I'm doing. I always tend to say "Oh, you know, just trying to make a living."

This is not because I don't like the person in question...I just have this annoying tendency to answer "how are you doing?" honestly. And that's not always good.

So anyways...I'm out at dinner with some friends, and we run into an old acquaintance of mine from college. I love this guy to death, and while we're not super close, he's always been one of my favorite people to run into.

I learned a month ago that he was fired from his job, though his contract will at least pay him through the summer (perhaps you can see where I'm going with this.)

Yes, as he spots us at our table he comes by, slides in beside me and asks "Kaylee! How the hell are you?"

"Oh, you know...just trying to make a living."

Without missing a beat: "Aw, hell...that's overrated."

Now, he seemed to play it off well, and it was obvious he had had a drinkee or seven. We sat and talked for awhile, and he seemed okay, if not a bit desperate to appear as someone unaffected by losing his job.

But yet and still...Jesus Christ shitballs, I CANNOT believe I said that to him. I feel like the biggest doucheball in the stratosphere.

 

That's because you ARE the biggest doucheball in the stratosphere.

Kidding, K.

I thought he took it extremely well. I wouldn't make anything of it.

Now help me find a fucking job!

 

You should come up with at least two "small talk" answers.

That way, you could also upset someone who just lost a friend or relative with the response, "Staying alive...it's better than the alternative."

 

IJAG,
I can't stop giggling.

Kaylee,
You know what's worse? Listening to people say 'hey, at least you're not dealing with so-and-so anymore' or 'look, on the bright side, you can sleep in every day' or my favourite, 'with every door that closes...'
ARGH!
The guy probably figures you're just doing your best in a difficult conversation.

 

What exactly is a doucheball?

 

Damn. That rivals Zeke's for the greatest immediate response to a thread posting, by far. Well played.

 

You only need a few phrases to complete your transformation and become a complete and total douchebag. Among them:

You working hard or hardly working?

I knew a girl like that once.

Bend over and I'll show you.

Who brought the asshole?

Can't complain.

Why don't you eat the corn and peanuts out of my shit?

 

What's small talk?

 

The appropriate answer, in EVERY situation: "Your wife/girlfriend/husband/etc."

 

No, sorry. The correct answer is...

Bend over and I'll show you.

Your answer, however, was...

Good enough for the girls we go with.

 

Suggested responses to the question "How are you doing?" for the Kaylee grab-bag of conversational firestarters.

To friend in wheelchair: "You know, just putting one foot in front of the other."

To friend in foreclosure: "You know, just trying to make the house payment."

To friend undergoing ugly divorce: "You know, married to my work."

To friend whose poodle was just dragged off by coyote: "You know, just trying to keep the wolf away from the door."

To friend who just lost family in freak sailboat capsize: "You know, just trying to keep an even keel."

To friend hospitalized for obstructed bowel: "You know, just trying to take an even strain on things."

To friend whose husband is under indictment for embezzlement: "You know, just trying to make an honest dollar."

To friend whose grandmother was recently killed in a bizarre needlepoint accident, "You know, just trying to stick to my knitting."

To friend whose newborn buttock-to-buttock Conjoined Twins were just separated in a 20-hour surgery: "You know, just trying to make ends meet."

To friend whose newlywed wife from Sweden, Upsa, is publicly cuckolding him in a series of torrid affairs with every man in town, "You know, just trying not to fuck up."

 

I just nearly fell out of my fucking chair.

That post was fantastic.